


what's behind my skull

by skltnbns (orphan_account)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Eventual Smut, FTM Tyler, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Ray Of Sunshine Josh™, Slow Build, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-05-24 08:22:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6147567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/skltnbns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wants it to get real. More than anything. He wants to be able to come out to everyone, to tell them his name, to say the word « transgender » without being afraid. He wants to know how to become who he really is, he wants to begin a transition, he wants to walk out of the shower without being scared of seing someone he's not in the mirror, he wants to sing with a voice that will fit better, he wants to play music with Josh and maybe, one day, get known as Tyler Joseph.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> hello, frens.
> 
> before we begin: in this story, tyler is trans. thing is, he is also very confused and very, very scared. so the descriptions refer to him as "she", and everyone, including himself, still calls him by his birthname. we have all been here. this won't be a sad story, don't worry. it's a story with sad things in it. but life has a hopeful undertone. stay alive.
> 
> this first chapter is a prologue, so very short, but i hope you'll enjoy it anyway.

The first time, she's seventeen. It hits her in the guts like a car crash and she can't even name it. Not feeling good in your own body is something every teenage girl experiences. It's normal to be insecure, when you're seventeen. But when she reads _the word_ , she somewhat knows that it's not only that ; it's not only a _teenage girl_ thing. It's written on a post Ashley reblogged, lately – she sees all her posts on her tumblr dash, since Ashley is one of the only twelve people she has bothered to follow. 

And of course, she already knew about  _that_ , she knew that  _it_ existed. But it's different, and she doesn't know why. 

She doesn't know why and she doesn't want to know.

She decides to forget about it. She _can't_ , of course. 

It's still early and nobody is sleeping, so she gets down the stairs and tells her mother she's gonna play some music.

She yells her lungs out on her piano.

It helps a bit.

★

She's nineteen when she starts thinking about it again. She never really stopped, but she never said the words, to herself or to somebody else. She still doesn't. But one day, when she's watching Netflix with her brothers, she finds herself wanting to look like one of the characters.

She realizes it's not the first time, and that she never quite felt the same way towards a girl. She never wanted to look like a girl. And for a moment, she wonders what is wrong. Is it the fact that she wants to look like a man, or that she looks like a girl ? Why does she look like a girl ?

She tries to forget again. Of course she looks like a girl. She  _is_ a girl.

She tries to forget.

She tries.

★

–The litterature folks organize some poetry night each year, Jenna says.

The diner is still kind of quiet at this time of the day. Soon, a ton of young people will come in to buy their food, but right now it's not twelve yet, so there's only the two of them and a bunch of other college students finishing their assignements on their laptops. It smells like coffee and fresh bread.

Ana likes this place. It's their little diner. It feels safe.

–I _am_ of the litterature folks, Ana replies. I know that. 

–I know you know. I was pointing that out so you go on stage and perform something of your own.

Jenna bites in her sandwich. Her nails are painted in pastel blue. Matches her eyes.

–That, Ana says after taking a bite of her pastry, is absolutely out of question. Not gonna happen. Never.

–Why ? Your poems are stunning. It's not something everyone can do, you know. Write things like that. The world needs to know.

–That's very sweet, Jenna, but I–

She doesn't finish because she doesn't even have an excuse. It's not that she doesn't want to do it ; she fantazises about it, a lot. She thinks about uploading her songs on YouTube, filming herself performing slam poetry, maybe even trying concerts. Or this college poetry night thing.

She records herself playing in her basement, so she can hear what it sounds like. She hates her voice, though. It's not even that it sounds  _bad_ – according to Jenna, Ash and Mark, she's a really good singer. And she is, she knows that  _objectively,_ she is. She just hates her voice. 

–I'm way too shy to do that, she tells Jenna, because it's the only thing she manages to get off her mind, even if it still doesn't feel quite right.

–I know, Jenna says calmly. I know. But I don't think there will be a ton of people here, and you know, these people enjoy words. They're likely to enjoy yours. So it can be a beginning, you know ? Of expressing yourself.

And she is probably right, yes. She's often right when it comes to Ana ; maybe because she understands, even if Ana doesn't tell her everything. Sometimes, Ana wonders if Jenna doesn't understand her better than she does herself. It's scary.

–Hey, gang.

They both move to see Ashley coming towards them.

–Gosh, your hair ! Ana exclaims.

–You don't like it ? Ashley asks with a grin.

Her hair, long and fluffy, has been dyed blue, and she looks like some kind of magic princess. A vaguely punk magic princess. Even better.

–No, no- I mean, yes, I love it, it suits you so good !

–I definitely agree, Jenna says as she moves to let Ashley sit next to her. Just don't forget to warn me next time, I could have not recognized you and fallen in love, which would have been like, a catastrophe.

–Sure, Ash says. You and me as a couple would probably have caused the apocalypse.

Ashley looks good, so good. Ana happens to feel a little envious, sometimes. Often. Because Ashley doesn't _care_ about anything, and even if Ana acts the same, she can't fool herself about that. Ashley doesn't care about people looking at her hair or parents judging her tattoos. She sings in the street, sometimes, when the weather is good, and doesn't feel ashamed about it.  Ana would like that too. Tattoos and short hair and singing. 

–Ash, heard about the litterature event that happens in two weeks ? Jenna asks.

–The poetry thing ?

–Yes.

–Yeah–

She stops, because the waiter comes to take her order. She takes a waffle and a beer.

–I was thinking about going, actually, she continues. A friend offered to go with him, so.

–Perfect, Jenna says, satisfied. Because I was trying to persuade Ana to perform.

–Oh, man, yes ! You're gonna be great.

–Now that I know you're coming, I'm even less into that idea, Ana sighs.

–Come on, I've already heard your stuff.

–Not in front of an audience. I'd look ridiculous.

–You'd look _great_.

She takes Ana's fork from her hand and takes a bite into the cake without asking. Then she says :

–I'll pay you a movie.

Ana sighs. She doesn't know, really, because the whole thing is tempting but not enough to beat her anxiety and she really, really wants to perform but she _doesn't know_ –

–Fine, she says. Maybe.

★

She's about to go on stage, and she's petrified, because the guy before her did so well. His words were so good and he was so powerful, and the very small audience formed by a few students and some teachers and parents applauded very enthusiastically and now she's gonna look weak, because she is, she is _weak_ and she's not gonna make it, she should never have signed the inscription in the first place and –

She closes her eyes. Tries to catch her breath.

–The next performer is called Anathema Joseph, the speaker says.

She looks up. The guy is making sings for her to come.

So she goes. And her legs are shaking.

The audience really is really small ; she shouldn't even be scared, because nobody will actually care if she fucks up. Nobody is expecting anything from her. But she is. Scared. She sees Mark, Jenna and Ashley in the first row ; Jenna is looking at her with a gentle smile and both Mark and Ash have their thumbs up as a sign of encouragement.

She approaches the mic.

–This poem is called Car Radio, she says.

Then she speaks.


	2. one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She doesn't know what pushes her to do that. She nows, deep down, but she doesn't want to face it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for the kudos/comments/bookmarks, you're the best. glad you liked the prologue. hope this chapter will please you too despite the fact that i barely proofread and english isn't my first language and i really hope this doesn't have too many mistakes. 
> 
> tw: alcohol abuse (nobody's alcoholic but you know, college parties), drunk sex, vomiting. the descriptions aren't too graphic but i'd rather have you safe.

–You were _amazing_!

Ashley takes her in her arms and scratches the top of her head. It relaxes Ana a little.

–Thanks, she says.

–I have to agree on this, Mark says, gently petting her shoulder.

–Same, Jenna says. And now you all have to thank me for convincing her to register herself.

–Hey, Ashley protests. I am the one who offered free movies. She would never have done it without the free movies.

Ana laughs soflty as Ashley lets go from her. Jenna said that as a joke, but she'll actually thank her for that ; she can't tell if she would have had regrets for not going on this ridiculously small scene, but she definitely doesn't have some for doing it. Not that she feels particularly different now ; it just felt good. To talk. To say her words. She doesn't even remember how she did it, but she hears Ashley saying something about the strenght in her voice.

–I'm going out for a cig, Ashley says after that, brushing her long blue hair back with her hand.

–Coming with you, says an unknown voice.

It's the guy who just appeared from behind ; must be Ashley's friend, the one she told them about. Ana thinks she saw him during the performance, next to Ashley, but in the dark, it's hard to say.

–Joshie, Ashley says. Where were you ? And since when do you smoke ?

–Bathroom, the guy says. And I don't smoke. Not usually. Just sometimes.

–Jeez. That's it. I corrupted you. I'm the worst.

–I'm coming with you guys, Ana says, putting on her jacket.

–Don't tell me you decided to smoke too, please, Ash says. That would be a fucking tragedy.

–Nah, Ana says with a soft smile. Just need some fresh air. Jenna, Mark, coming with us ?

–No, thanks, Mark says. It's cold as balls.

–I think they sell some drinks at the cafeteria, Jenna says. You join us after ?

–Fine. See you later.

Once they're outside, Ashley ties her hair up. She always do that, so it doesn't smell like cold tabacco for the rest of the day. Her military jacket, on the other hand, always smells like cold tabacco. But it goes with the style, you know.

While Ashley is complaining about Josh borrowing her a cigarette, because "damn, man, these are expensive, buy your own if you're willing to actually have lung cancer", Ana takes the time to really look at the guy's features. It was hard to look at anything, in the dark, when she was on stage, and she barely noticed him. His black hair curls a little bit on the sides of his forehead. You can't tell the color of his eyes because there's not enough light for that, but Ana still likes them. They squint every time he laughs or smiles, somethimes when he speaks. He's wearing a NASA t-shirt and a military jacket, like Ash, but his doesn't look so oversized on him.

He has a nice face.

–Shit, it's cold, she says as the wind blows her barely naked thighs, finally giving her friend a cigarette.

Her boyfriend jean is so ripped that you can see more skin that actual fabric. But even Ana, in her thick skinny jeans and big vest, is cold.

–I knew Ohio was cold but man, a year here and I still can't adju- Oh, hey, Lynn!

Ash waves her hand towards someone behind Josh and Ana.

–Be right back, guys, she says.

And then, she runs to the girl, and they're alone.

It's a bit awkward, but not that much. Josh doesn't seem to have the kind of presence that makes you uncomfortable. Ana can't really tell, because she doesn't know him, but right now, she doesn't feel very pressured, which is already nice.

Even if she's running through her own mind to find conversations to start, because of course she stills doesn't know how to act with people. Of course she's still herself. Of course.

–I didn't compliment you, Josh finally says before she can find something smart to say. It was sick, he says. Your poem.

–Oh, she says. Thanks.

–Did it really happen?

–Excuse me?

–The story. Did somebody really stole your car radio?

–Oh. Yeah. True story.

–That sucks.

Josh smokes his cigarette like someone who isn't really used to it. Not that she would do better, though; but she sees Ash chainsmoking almost everyday, so.

–You have a pretty cool name, Josh says. Anathema.

–Oh, thanks. Nobody really calls me that, though. Except my mother and... my grandparents, maybe.

–So what do I call you?

What do I call you?

It's strange, because she never really stopped to think about it before. But everyone keeps calling her that. _Anathema_. Ana.

A few days ago, she caught herself wondering about what name she would have if she was born a boy. What would have fit. She caught herself wanting to have one of this name.

But she doesn't. She is herself.

–Just Ana, she says.

–Okay, _Just Ana._

–Are you Hagrid or something?

Josh grins.

–Unmasked, he says.

–I knew it, Ana says.

Sometimes, she can understand why people smoke; it keeps your hands busy. She feels dumb, tapping some rythm in the pocket of her vest. But nobody can see her, so.

–So, what are you studying? she asks?

Honestly, she could have find something better.

–Nothing, Josh says. I have a job at the Guitar Center. It's nice.

–Not the worst job, indeed. So why did you come here? Ashley told us about a friend inviting her at this show, but nobody really knows about the events that happen here.

–Oh, I come here pretty often, actually. When I don't work. To hang out with Ash. The coffee is cheap at the cafetaria.

He exhales his smoke.

–And yeah, there were some flyers about events on the wall and this one caught my eye. Because I like– words, you know. I don't really know anything about poetry, I usually pay attention to words in songs, but I wanted to try it out.

–Nice. Liked it?

–Loved it.

They both smile. When she looks at him in the eyes, she notices that he isn't tall at all; she may even be a little bit taller than him.

–So what do you like in life? Josh asks. Besides litterature and writing amazing poetry, I guess.

Ana chuckles.

–Music, she simply says.

It's one of the only questions she can answer without thinking too much. Just music.

–Actually, the stuff I write is actually like, song material. The car radio story is, too.

–Man, this is sick! Josh says, sounding excited. What do you play?

–Piano and ukulele, mostly. And I can manage like, electronic stuff. Softwares. Things like that. I'm working on songs and shit. Still didn't get how to make it sound... right, you know.

–Yeah, I get it. I'm sure it already sounds awesome, though. You already have good lyrics. And a nice voice.

She hates it, her voice.

–Thanks, she says anyway.

Josh's voice, though, is soft and low. Matches his face.

–You play music too? She asks.

–Drums.

–The one thing I can't do, hah.

–We should play music together, then. We fit each other.

He inhales the smoke.

Ana is still tapping the beat she has composed for Car Radio against her thigh, inside of her pocket.

–Yeah, she says, smiling. We should.

And it's a joke, of course, because they have just met each other and that's not how it works, but she thinks, for a moment, that it would be nice to have a band. She starts to fantazise, again, about playing on stage. She could yell over the drums, rap on her piano. She'd have short hair and tattoos.

Why is it so hard for her to play music while it's all she has?

Why does she hate her voice while it actually sounds good to everyone else?

With the hand that's not in her pocket, she twists a brown lock between her finger.

–Sorry, Ashley says when she comes back. Hadn't seen her for months. Didn't know she was there.

She throws the cigar butt on the floor.

–Are you finished, J? I'm freezing.

–Yeah, he says, even though he was slower than her.

He dumps the rest of his cigarette on the floor.

Once they're inside, Ana can finally see the color of Josh's eyes.

 

★

 

It's not easy to have some alone time at the Joseph's house. It's never easy, when you have three siblings and your mother is a housewife. Ana could probably count the times she was fully alone on her ten fingers.

So it is a special friday night. Her parents have gone to the restaurant together to celebrate their marriage anniversary, Zack is out with his girlfriend (Ana still can't adjust to the fact that her little brother has an actual girlfriend), Maddie sleeps at a friend's and Jay is at a party.

And Ana is alone.

She probably should have made a planning to enjoy that freedom as much as possible. She probably should go in the basement and sing as loud as possible, even if her family being home doesn't stop her from doing it usually. It's a thing when you grow up in a big family; she doesn't really mind anymore about knowing that everyone can hear the muffled sounds that come out of the basement, and nobody else in the house does mind either. Except when she's too loud and that her father is watching sports. Sports is important, apparently.

Anyway, she still should go downstairs and play. And sing. She should maybe write put some music really loud and try to write. Or watch a movie and enjoying the sofa for herself.

She does none of that.

The thing is, when Anathema comes home from her last class at 6pm, that evening, she doesn't even think about singing or writing or watching a movie.

She shouldn't be upset by that. Really, she shouldn't. She feels terrible for doing so.

Ashley came into class with a girl Ana hadn't ever seen, today. She had short, red hair, big glasses and a buttoned up shirt. Then Ashley says :

–This is Alex. He's in the highschool I used to be, and he's here for the week-end, so I took him here to introduce him to the hell that college life is.

At first, Ana was very confused, because, well, Alex didn't really look like a boy and it was inappropriate to point that out but she could see breasts under his shirt and – _oh_.

The word came to her again. The word that she had tried to forget.

She tried to be nice and to look normal and not embarrassed, because Ash would have hated her for being so close-minded and because Chris looked like sh- _he_ was a good guy and she didn't want to hurt him. She even had a chat with him before the class beginned, but oh, after, the voices wouldn't stop in the back of her mind.

The thing is, when Anathema comes home from her last class at 6pm, that evening, she doesn't think about anything but what's been twisting her stomach for months, now. She thought she had managed to tame it, to silence it, but it's here and she can't –

She goes straight to her room, then stops, and goes to Zacks. She opens the wardrobe and takes one of his sweaters, the one that he sometimes borrows her when she has no clean jumber left and that it's cold. She takes some jeans, too. She's never done that. She sees a beanie on his desk, so she takes it too.

She doesn't know what pushes her to do that. She nows, deep down, but she doesn't want to face it.

She gets back to her room and undresses in front of her mirror. When she looks at her reflection, naked, it is so, so wrong. She takes off her bras. Her chest isn't even that big, maybe it could look flat if she could– she puts both her hands on each breast and pushes a bit to make them look flat. But her hair is too long and her waist is too slim and–

She puts on Zack's jeans and sweater, and beanie. It still looks wrong, so she puts all the hair she can under the beanie so it looks short and–

She stares at her reflection. She sees disgust in her own eyes.

She's ridiculous.

She'll never look like a man.

Anathema punches the looking glass with a force she didn't know she had. She doesn't think when she does it, and she scares herself when the mirror actually breaks under her fist. She stays up in her brother's clothes, too big on her, for a minute or two, staring at her hand. She hurt herself, just a little bit. She barely bleeds.

It's not enough.

She takes off all of the clothes and go back to Zack's room, putting everything back to its place, praying for his brother not to notice that she stole some of his stuff.

Then she goes back to her room, falls into her bed, and she cries.

She cries until her parents are back home.

 

★

 

The morning afer, her mom helps her clean the broken mirror mess.

–You know what they say, she says. Seven years of bad luck. How did you even do that ?

Ana stares at a piece of glass for too long before putting it in the box.

–I wanted to move it and it fell, she says.

She tries to hide the small bruise on her knuckle under her shirt sleeve.

What a shitty excuse.

 

★

 

–And voilà, Jenna says, putting down the black eyeliner she was holding. Jeez, you are stunning. I'm proud of myself.

She holds up the small mirror so Ana can see herself.

Jenna really did a good job. Her face is covered in black and white to look like a crane – a skeleton crane, and it looks frightening, but in a good way.

–We need to mess up your hair a little bit, Jenna says. You know, so you really look punk and dead.

Ana chuckles.

–Yeah, she says. Let's do that.

–You'll be the prettiest of this party.

That's not true, of course. Jenna is way prettier than her, even with zombie make up, white contacts and blood all over her face, hair and ripped clothes. Jenna is pretty even when she's terrifying.

It's been two weeks since the mirror incident, and Ana hasn't been thinking about it for about that time. Her hand healed in less than a week, so she could forget what happened forever because she didn't even have a proof anymore. Even if her wall looks empty without the mirror. At least, she can't see herself anymore. She can't check if her body has miraculously changed when she wakes up. She still does, sometimes ; she looks down and when she sees her breasts, she squints her eyes untill she only sees black and color spots.

Two days ago, she went to bed with her clothes on because she couldn't look at herself.

But now, while they go downstairs to get to Jenna's car, they walk in front of the big, big glass in the corridor. She usually avoids looking at it when she goes out of the house, or when she comes in. But today it's different, because she'll see a disguise, not herself.

She sees the body she's been avoiding for two weeks, in a velvet black dress and bone printed thighs. She sees her legs thin and long on the Jeffrey Cambell she took from Jenna – it took her friend half an hour to teach her how to walk with this things, because Ana has been wearing high heels before but not like these _monsters_ – and her long, long brown hair floating around her painted face.

It's a disguise.

It feels nice, not to be herself.

 

★

 

–Hello, children !

–Holy shit, Ash ! You look absolutely terrifying !

Actually, the whole outfit and make up isn't even that spooky ; it's the eyes. Ashley has put on black lenses, the ones that even cover the white and make you look like an alien. Besides that, she has put on some aqua blue eyeshadow and lipstick to match her fading hair, and has collected the most pieces of holographic accessories she could find.

–You havn't seen yourselves, Ashley says. I'm only a nice, friendly alien.

–Who tells you I'm not a friendly zombie ? Jenna protests.

–Maybe the fact that you look like you want to eat me. No pun intended.

She closes the door once they're inside. Some indie rock music is playing in the background and Ana can already see a bunch of people talking and drinking in the small flat.

Ashley takes them to the bar and offers them to take what they want. And Ana doesn't like to drink a lot because she doesn't want to end up wasted, but for some reason, she puts a little bit too much of vodka in her juice. She can't handle this party otherwise.

–Hey, says a voice behind Ashley.

She turns around.

–Guys, remember Josh ?

He looks good, too, Josh. Not that he didn't last time. But like, alien eyes, holographic nail polish and blue hairchalk make a style that fits on him. Ana thinks she recognizes Ashley's t-shirt on him ; the one that's a little too big for her, with the galaxy pattern and " _I DON'T BELIEVE IN HUMANS_ " in big silver letters.

–Hey Josh, Ana says.

–We match, Ash says proudly.

–I can see that, Jenna says. You make a nice couple. Of aliens.

–Nah, not like that, Ash corrects. Like, no offense, man, she says to Josh, but. It would be weird ?

–It would totally be weird, you don't have to excuse yourself, Josh says.

–Right, Jenna says. A nice couple of _alien platonic friends_.

–That sounds like the name of an independant movie, Ash says. Or a weird song. I'm totally writing a song named Alien Platonic Friends.

–Sign me the fuck up.

 

★

 

Four hours later, Anathema finds herself locked in the bathroom with a guy she doesn't remember the name. She can't even remember his face when he's fucking her from behind. He smells like beer and paprika chips and it's _disgusting_ but at least, he knows how to use his dick pretty well. She didn't even kiss him, because «  _don't ruin my make-up, Jen spent an hour on that »_.

She wouldn't have done that if she wasn't so drunk. Later, she would hate herself for this. It isn't her type to do that, even after five or six or ten glasses of alcohol. She doesn't know why she needed that so bad. The guy isn't even that attractive and he was being kind of a fuckboy and normally she would just have gone away and tried to avoid him for the rest of the evening.

Instead of that, she's got his cock shoved inside of her and his hands gripped on her hips as she's moaning for him to fuck her harder. Great.

He _does_ fuck her harder, though, untill he comes in the condom and leaves the bathroom after throwing it away.

She locks back the door and finishes herself alone, while thinking about another face, another body. She doesn't registers which ones ; maybe they don't exist. Maybe they do.

When she comes, it's not even good. It's rushed, and desperate, and sad.

Sad.

 

★

 

Someone is holding her hair up as she's vomiting all that she can in the toilet.

Maybe she can vomit the bad parts of herself. Maybe she can throw out all the impure and disgusting things and be another person.

That doesn't work like that. She just pukes loads and loads of vodka and whiskey and beer untill there is nothing left in her stomach. Then, the Someone holds her up, helps her sit on the toilet and cleans her face with paper. She can't see their face, because her eyelids are wet and make everything blurry and anyway, she wouldn't be able to recognize anyone right now.

Shit, the make-up is definitely ruined now.

She falls asleep on the Someone's shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the emotional wreck. 's hard to feel lost. 
> 
> it's 2am where i am. i'm gonna sleep. stay alive, friends.


	3. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She just knows that she somehow needs it. Maybe because Josh took care of her yesterday and this morning, maybe because, deep inside, she remembers the smell of Josh's shirt when she fell asleep on his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> much more things were supposed to happen in this chapter but it was getting really long so i split what i wanted to do in half. i don't want to make everything happen too fast, you know. 
> 
> also i wanted to inform you that this story is also on wattpad, if some of you are more like, used to read on that site. i don't add comment to the chapters by there because i want it to look more like an actual book i guess i don't know it's fun to fantasize. so in case any of you is interested, check for my pseud (it's spaceson, the same as here) on wattpad.
> 
> i hope your week was fine. enjoy.

Anathema wakes up with a headache and sheets that don't smell like hers on her shoulders. She takes five minute to completely open her eyes without closing them again because of the light, and when she gets up, her head feels heavy. She takes another five minutes to get herself together and begin to analyse the room to find out where she is.

This is not Ashley's flat. At Ashley's, she would have been woken up by someone yelling «  _who the hell threw up under the table it's disgusting holy crap_ », or something like that.

It has already happened.

Plus, it doesn't even look like Ashley's place. Doesn't look like Jenna's either.

She looks at the walls surrounding her. There is a big X-Files poster above her head ; the one with an UFO and the caption « I WANT TO BELIEVE ». On the other wall, there are smaller pictures of album covers. She recognizes some bands like The Offspring and Sum 41, but for the rest, it seems mostly obscure punk rock looking music she's never heard about.

Her legs are a little bit painful when she gets up and her thighs feel like cramps. _Oh, shit, right_. The guy in the bathroom. Of fucking course. She must be at this guy's place, too, because he may have thought it was ok to bring her home now that he had banged her. Which would probably be a nice thing to do if he hadn't been blind drunk, because except if someone rode them home, he drove and he probably could have killed them both on the road by like, not seeing what he was doing and hitting another car or something. Shit. Did they sleep in the same bed ? Did they have sex again ? Where the fuck is the guy now ?

She looks down. She's still wearing her fancy dress and her thights are ripped and she smells like crap. She's a fucking mess. _Fuck_.

At least, she doesn't want to puke anymore. She already expulsed anything yesterday.

She breathes out as she prepares facing _whatever his name is_. Does she really have to explain that it was a one time thing ? He didn't really look like he was planning to actually ask her out.

Well, ok, she absolutely doesn't remember what he did look like, but anyway.

She leaves the room and takes the stearts. Her legs and hands begin shaking as she realizes more and more than yeah, she definitely doesn't recognize this place. There are family pictures on the wall, but she doesn't even look at them, because holy shit, she didn't think about that – it must be the guy's parent's place and she looks like she spent the whole night in a trashcan. And she hasn't even seen her face yet ; she imagines it pretty well, though. Faded white and black paint melting and dripping everywhere. These people are going to hate her. Not that she's planning to see this guy ever again, but what was he thinking ? « Hey mom, here's the girl I had drunk sex with last night, I thought it was a good idea to bring her here, also could you make breakfast » ?

It definitely smells like breakfast. Meat. Bacon.

She must admit she's hungry, though ; she doesn't think she can eat very much because even if she probably threw up everything she drank, her stomach is still a wreck, but _damn_ , she's so hungry.

But she's not gonna eat here. She's gonna find the guy, hoping very much that it's not his mom cooking bacon, tell him that she should go and that yeah, maybe another time, bye, and go away.

Except when she arrives in what is apparently the kitchen, it's not this guy she sees. Well, it could have been, knowing that she hasn't registered his face so it could litteraly have been anybody, but she knows this face and it's not him.

It's Josh. Josh with a little aqua blue hair chalk remaining in his hair, a frying pan in his hand and a bright, bright smile.

–Hey, he says. I figured the smell would wake you up.

Ana doesn't really know what to say, because she wasn't expecting that at all. Why is she at Josh's place ? Oh god, this is even worse. She could tell herself she didn't care about what the other guy would think – or did already think – of her, but it's Josh and shit, it had started so good with him and she felt good and safe the one single time she had a conversation with him, but now every other encounter will be stained by the image of her in the kitchen, looking like a cheap whore and smelling like sex and puke and sweat when he's cooking breakfast for her.

–I'm sorry.

That's all she manages to say.

Josh keeps smiling, but it becomes more discrete and – _reassuring_?

–Hey, he says, totally facing her now. It's okay. Really. Don't worry about that. I'm glad I could help.

–But you didn't have to, Ana says too quickly. I was supposed to stay at Ashley's place.

–You were feeling really bad, Josh says. Three people were already in her bed and three others on the couch, I don't think it would have done any good if you had slept on the floor. Actually, Ash asked me to drive you home so you could sleep better but I didn't have a clue where you lived and she was gone before I could ask her. And I didn't know if you would want your parents to see you.

–That probably wouldn't have been really good, yeah.

Josh takes eggs in the fridge. He breaks two of them to fry them in the pan.

–Really, he says. Don't worry.

Ana sighs. _Shit_.

–Thank you, she says.

And Josh smiles again.

–It should be ready in five minutes, but if that's enough for you to take a shower, you can use the bathroom, he says.

–Oh, that would be great, she says. I mean, I don't want to be too intrusive, but at least, I wouldn't infect your house. I kinda smell like shit.

Josh laughs softly while Ana nervously smiles.

–First door on your left up the stairs, Josh says. You can take a towel in the cupboard. Also, feel free to take some stuff in my wardrobe. Like, I could give you some of my sisters' stuff but I think they'd probably kill me if I did that without warning and they aren't here, so.

–Thanks, she says.

–Stop thanking me and go take a shower, you gross piece of trash.

She laughs, for real, this time.

 

★

 

She scrubs as hard as she can. Her inner thighs and her chest are red, but it's not from yesterday ; she keeps scratching there with her fingers.

The shower gel she stole Josh (or maybe it's his dad's, but she could have taken one of the floral scented ones, the _girl_ ones, but she didn't) starts to burn her skin.

She tells herself it's okay. It hurts but if that means she's cleaner, then it's okay.

_It's okay._

 

★

 

–This looks better on you than it does on me, Josh says.

She took a red plaid shirt and some skinny jeans that are still too big on her hips.

–Then I'm really sorry for you because I look ridiculous, she says.

–Bullshit, Josh argues with a smile. You can sit, you know.

She does. The plate in front of her smells delicious and gosh, she had forgot about how hungry she was but she can feel her stomach growling, now.

–Thanks, she says.

–No problem, Josh says as he sits with his own plate.

The bacon tastes as good as it smelled. Josh smiles when she sees her enjoying her meal. He takes a bite, too.

–How cliché is that, Ana says. Me waking up at your place, wearing your clothes, eating your food.

–Yeah, Josh laughs. That kinda looks like a bad romcom. Except we didn't sleep together.

Honestly, Ana feels a bit relieved to hear that because she was so wasted that she could have cone anything and not remembered it. It's surprising she remembers doing someting with the other guy.

–To be completely honest with you, she says, I thought I was at someone else's house. Kinda freaked out. Don't see why he would have take me home, though.

Now that she thinks about it. He just wanted a quick fuck, why would he have bothered to take care of the piece of trash that she was ?

–Yeah, he kinda looked like an asshole to me, actually, Josh says.

–How do you know who I'm talking about ?

Shit, _she_ doesn't even know who she's talking about.

–He was just leaving the bathroom when Jenna asked him if he saw you. She was asking everyone. And he was acting very weird like, he was very into defending the fact that no, he didn't see you, what would we think that and stuff.

–Shit.

She sighs.

–Sorry.

She takes the mug in front of her in her hand. It's warm. Feels good.

–Blue looks good on you, she says to avoid the topic.

Josh still has a little bit of blue chalk in some rare locks in his hair ; he probably didn't bother about washing it off too much.

–Ah, thanks, Josh says, smiling. I'm thinking about dying it someday, actually.

–You should totally do it.

–And you should cut yours.

 _How does he_ –

–Don't freak out, he says. I'm not stalking you, reading your journal or anything. Don't know how I would have done that, actually.

He drinks a little bit of his coffee, too.

–You kinda told it to me yesterday, he says. When you were, like, sick. In the bathroom.

Oh, shit. It was him, then. Who was holding her hair and washing her face.

 _Shit_.

–Sorry to bring that back, Josh says quickly. You probably don't want to hear about that now.

–No, actually I– I don't remember a lot of it and I don't–

What if she told him about why she wanted her hair short, what if she told her about Zack's clothes and the broken looking glass and how she was wrong, wrong, _wrong_ , what if she told him she was not what she was supposed to be –

–I don't know what I said, she says, trying to push off the panic. I kinda want to know if I should bury myself already or not.

–Don't worry, he says. It's nothing too compromising, ok ?

There is something ridiculously comforting in the way Josh smiles. She doesn't know why. He just seems sincere and genuine and Ana wants to trust him so bad.

–I was holding your hair and you were apologizing because – you said that if you had the guts, you would have buzzed it a long time ago and I wouldn't have to hold it. And that you shouldn't have done this and that you didn't know why. Then you said you knew but you didn't want to know. You seemed pretty confused about what you were saying.

Oh, but she's confused all the time. It wasn't even because she was drunk. That's what's lame about that.

–Ok, she says.

She starts to breathe again. _Ok_. She didn't tell him everything, whatever _everything_ is.

–That's for real, she says, and she doesn't really know why. That I want to cut my hair.

–You should, Josh says. I mean, your hair is cool, but you should do it if that's what you want, you see ?

She doesn't even know more than his name and maybe the fact that he likes punk rock and X-Files, she doesn't even know _him._

Why does she want to trust him so bad ?

–Yeah, she says. I should.

 

★

 

When they leave the house for Josh to take her home, Ana finds out she knows the street, because that's exactly ten minutes from where she lives. She insists on walking home by herself, because she has already caused enough trouble.

–Well, we should hang out, sometimes, Josh says. If you want.

–Yeah, she says. Totally. Not like we were living right next to each other.

–Do you go to church ?

–Yeah ?

–God, I can't believe we havn't met before.

And Ana can't either, because she would probably have remembered him, if she had once noticed him. She would have remembered the warm smile and this weird _shining_ that radiated from him, the one that made her want to stick around as long as possible.

 

★

 

When she puts on her earphones on her way home, she has seven unread messages from Jenna and 15% left.

_**dime piece  (00:48pm) :** i cant find u w here are u _

_**dime piece  (00:54pm) :** are u alive  _

_**dime piece  (01:02am) :** i hope u ar saf _

_**dime piece (01:07am) :** how the fu k am i not findin u in this small ass flat srlsy _

_**dime piece (01:12am) :** did u get lost in some carpet or somting _

_**dime piece (01:16am) :** jk but im rlly worry ied rn so if u could txt m asap _

_**dime piece (01:30am) :** ok ash told m that josh guy took u home apparently he doesn drink and he nice so i guess i kinda trust him hope ur safe _

_**you (11:47am) :** oh my god jenna i'm so sorry i didn't check my phone _

_**you (11:48am) :** that's not an excuse i don't really have one _

_**you (11:48am) :** sorry for disappearing _

_**you (11:49am) :** im on my way home by the way. Josh lives in my neighborhood, our houses are like ten minutes apart i mean what _

_**you (11:50am) :** sorry again for making you freak out i hope you are ok _

_**you (11:50am)** : btw before u ask nothing happened with josh_

_**dime piece (11:54am) :** don't worry !! i'm fine, the others are still asleep i think i'm kind of waiting for ash to wake up. Are you ok ? _

_**dime piece (11:55am) :** and i wasnt gonna ask anything but i damn hope nothing happened because apparently you had passed out so it would be fucking creepy  _

_**you (11:55am) :** yeah i'm okay, like, i threw up a lot yesterday but at least it makes hangover less painful _

_**dime piece (11:55am) :** lucky you _

_**dime piece (11:55am)** : i wish i was dead right now like really _

_**dime piece (11:56am) :** ash has just woken up and she is hungry so i guess we're gonna get something to eat, i'll text you later _

_**you (11:56) :** k good luck with the hangover and the breakfast quest i guess _

_**dime piece (11:56am) :** thanks xx _

 

★

 

Her mom seems to buy it when she answers her that yeah, yesterday night was cool. She tries not to look as if it was horrible because she drank way too much and things she will probably end up in hell for.

People like her, they end up in hell anyway.

She collapses on her bed and cries. She doesn't even know why ; she didn't feel the need to cry untill she got out of Josh's house, untill she was alone again. Hopefully, nobody will hear her sobs. She makes them as quiet as possible, but if Zack leaves his room right now, he could hear and she doesn't want that.

She burries her face into the fabric of Josh's flannel shirt. She doesn't even think about how creepy it must look, and nobody's looking at her anyway ; she just knows that she somehow needs it. Maybe because Josh took care of her yesterday and this morning, maybe because, deep inside, she remembers the smell of Josh's shirt when she fell asleep on his shoulder.

She falls asleep, again.


	4. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crappy light of the street behind them lights them up and Josh looks beautiful and magic and she never wants to forget this image. She never wants to lose the magic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had a shitty week. felt good writing this.
> 
> reminder that this story exists on wattpad. search for spaceson.

She didn't think she'd see Josh so soon.

She hoped that it would happen, actually. Of course. She'd wait for a text from him, not sending any by her own because she was too scared to be annoying. She'd look at the flannel shirt hanging on her chair and wonder if it would make a good excuse to show up at his house. Hey, I washed your shirt, thanks for that.

Josh didn't sent any texts, but he was waiting on the campus with a bright smile and some Taco Bell in his hand.

–In case you were wondering, I asked Ash to know when you finished. Wanted to surprise you. Sorry if it's a bit creepy.

This is better.

★

They end up eating their tacos on the beach. The wind makes them shiver sometimes and sun tickles their skins. Ana notices freckles on Josh's nose.

–Don't you work today? Ana asks.

–Wednesday's my day off, Josh says. I hope it doesn't bother you that I came to visit today. I should have asked.

–No, it's fine, really. I'm glad to see you.

And she is. She has been feeling empty since Ashley's party; since she got home. She has been feeling empty for a longer time, but that's something she's not ready to face yet. Spending time with Jenna and Ashley usually helps, and she's really thankful for the lunches they eat together and the movie they planned to see together this week-end. She's thankful for music, when she's alone because she ccan't handle going out with anyone or because she's just alone most of the time. She's thankfull for Josh coming to pick her up at college, because she somehow feels safe with him.

–So, how you doing since last time ? Josh asks.

She wants to die and she doesn't know why because it's not like something like that hasn't ever happened before. It was not the first time she got wasted and fucked some unknown guy. She felt like shit everytime ; but not this kind of shit, for some reason.

Except it was. That kind of shit. It was that kind of shit the whole time for so long she can't even remember when it started, not only after parties. She's always felt wrong, and the truth is she knows. And she doesn't want to enounciate it, even in her head, because if she does, it will become real. She doesn't know if she'd survive, it it happened.

–Fine, she says. College life and shit. You ?

–Fine. No college life, though. Went to work, played some music.

Ana realises she actually hasn't played music this week. At all. Unusual.

–Nice, she says. Are you in a band for something ?

–Nah, Josh says. Not really. I mean, yeah, right now I'm playing with some friends because their drummer isn't avalaible these times, but it's not something permanent, you know.

–I see.

She looks at Josh, from the corner of her eye. She doesn't want to look like she's staring. Thankfully, Josh, he's looking at the sea in front of him, so he doesn't notice.

–So, X-Files, huh ? Ana says, refering to his t-shirt, as she takes her eyes away from him to look at the waves, too.

–Best show ever, to be honest, Josh says enthusiastically. You like it too ?

–Never watched it.

–Man ! We can't be friends anymore.

He gently pushes her and she laughs. She doesn't know if she smiles at the indignation in Josh's voice or at the word friends.

They talk about doing a X-Files marathon together, sometimes, and Josh asks Ana her favorite movies and shows. They talk about music again ; the kind they like, the kind they want to make. They talk for two hours before Ana realises she has to got home to study.

★

–I think I'm in love with Davy Jones, Ashley says when they get out of the movie.

–That's because you're weird, Josh says. Everyone has a crush on Jack Sparrow, or Orlando Bloom, or Elizabeth, but you have to like the weird octopus man.

–But he's played by Bill Nighy ! I'm always a slut for Bill Nighy. Plus, I didn't say I hadn't a crush on the others. I have a crush on everyone.

–I'm more about Sparrow, Jenna says. But I also ship him with the Will guy.

–He litteraly finishes the movie alone with his girl, Ana says.

–Yeah, but Jack could join them. They would be happy, the three of them together.

–I think Jack would blow up the island, Josh says.

–True.

On their way to the outside, Jenna slowly stops.

–I'm going to the bathrooms, she says. Can't drive if I have to pee.

–Yeah, same, Josh says. I'll be right back.

–We'll be waiting for you outside, Ashley says, waving her pack of cigarettes.

She lights it up once they're in the street. It's getting colder and colder.

–I'm glad you and Josh have a good relationship, Ashley says, pulling some blue locks of her high ponytail on her shoulder.

At the beginning, they had planned to go see this movie as the three of them ; Ana, Jenna, Ash. Ana had asked if Josh could come, because he had actually mentionned wanting to go to the cinema this week-end and it looked like a good occasion. Jenna and Ashley aren't the « we weren't supposed to invite somebody else it was only the three of us you betrayed us how dare you » type, thanks god, plus Josh was already Ashley's friend and Jenna liked him too, so they had accepted with joy.

–He's very nice, Ana says.

–Yeah, he is. He's probably the nicest person I've ever met. No offense, though.

Ana chuckles.

–Nah, don't worry, she says. It's hard with such concurrency. He really is the nicest person on earth.

Ashley smokes out.

–I'm serious, she says. You look happy when he's around. I'm glad you two have that.

–We're not dating, if it is what you're thinking. And I'm not planning on asking him out or something.

–I know, dumbass. You don't have to date someone to have a special relationship with them.

A special relationship. Is that what they have ? Maybe not yet. It's not even been a month since they first met, not even a week since they really started hanging out together. Can one say they have a special relationship with someone after such short time ? For now, Ana only knows that she feels good with him. As good as she feels with Ashley and Jenna, except it's different. Josh is something.

At the moment Josh and Jenna come out of the cinema, Ana makes a wish.

It's dumb and naive and it makes no sense, but that's what she'll be holding to now.

★

–You should get a haircut, Ana, her mom once says while they're eating. Your hair looks a little bit damaged. You don't take care of it enough.

She hates hearing her name.

–I was thinking about getting it cut, yeah, Ana says.

Because she wants to do it for so long, but not the way her mom, or nobody, wants her to.

–You don't have to cut it short, her mom says. Just a few inches. Long hair looks good on you.

Ana doesn't know where she finds the courage to says what she's about to say.

–Actually, I wanted to have it a little shorter than last time.

–Like a bob ? It would look nice too.

She can't.

–Maybe, Ana says. I'll see.

–Do whatever pleases you.

No. Not whatever. She'll be mad if she comes home with her sides buzzed and barely more hair on the top of her head.

–You could ask Maddie for the brands she uses for her hair, mom adds. Your hair always look so beautiful, Maddie. Maybe I should ask you too.

–Sure, Madison says, smiling.

Ana smiles too, trying not to vomit what she just put in her mouth.

–Sure, she says, too.

★

–I took an appointment for you, mom says three days later.

–For what ? Ana asks.

–The hairdresser. We talked about it, so I figured I would do it for you. You have no class on wednesday afternoon, right ?

It's friday and it's in less than a week and Ana is freaking out. She can't tell her now that she wants short hair, very short hair, but she can't cut it all without telling her because she would be mad but she would be mad anyway and why the hell is she panicking about a fucking appointment to the hairdresser, why does she have to take everything like a fucking tragedy, why can't she just deal with her emotions like a normal human being, she's such a fucking baby.

–Yeah, she says. It's fine, thanks.

–Great, mom says. I'll take you there and then we can go eat something, if you want ? It's been a while we havn't done something, just the two of us.

She wants to cry.

–Sure. It would be cool.

She wants to die.

★

you (5:25pm) : josh

josh (5:32pm) : ?

you (5:33pm) : sorry i'm kinda panicking

josh (5:33pm) : omg did something happen ? Are you ok ??

josh (5:40pm) : ana ?

you (5:45pm) : yeah sorry my mom called me

you (5:45pm) : i'm fine

josh (5:46pm) : what's happening

you (5:47pm) : it's nothing it's just

you (5:49pm) : ok remember when i was wasted and i told you i wanted to buzz my hair well my mom told me i should cut it because it looks damaged but when she says cut it she sure doesn't mean cut it like that and i don't know what to do because i hate this and i want to have it short and to do what i want but she's gonna be mad and now i have to go to the hairdresser on wednesday and i don't know what to do

you (5:49pm) : see it's nothing i'm just a fucking cry baby who can't even handle a haircut i don't even know why i'm so upset i could just get it cut a little and get over this stupid obsession on buzzing it i'm so stupid

josh (5:50pm) : hey calm down

josh (5:51pm) : you're not stupid and you can be upset

josh (5:51pm) : i mean it's not cool you are and i don't want you to be but it's valid to be because you just want to do what you want with yourself and you shouldn't feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do

josh (5:52pm) : even if it's just keeping long hair, if you don't want it you shouldn't have to

you (5:52pm) : yeah i know

you (5:53pm) : but it's nothing it's only me that makes it a big deal because it's not

josh (5:54pm) : cut it

you (5:54pm) : what

josh (5:54pm) : cut it short if that's what you want to do

josh (5:55pm) : what are you 18

josh (5:55pm) : what you do with your hair is none of her business

you (5:56pm) : i'm turning 19 in less than two weeks thank you

josh (5:56pm) : yeah anyway

josh (5:57pm) : wait i'm totally paying you the hairdresser as a birthday present if you buzz it

you (5:58pm) : that's sweet

josh (5:58pm) : is that a yes

you (5:58pm) : why do you care

josh (5:59pm) : idk

josh (6:00pm) : but i guess i do care, yes

you (6:08pm) : thank you, josh

★

On monday, she asks her mom if she can cancel the appointment.

–Why is that ?

–I have a friend who can cut it. For free.

–It's not that expensive, you know. We can afford that sometimes.

–I know, but he's good at it. Plus he wants to make it my birthday present.

Her mom seems to think about it for two seconds, then she nods.

–That's cute. You should introduce him to me sometime.

The thing is, she doesn't know if mom's gonna like him after what he's gonna do to his daughter.

–Are we still eating something together on wednesday ? Mom asks.

The thing is, she doesn't know if she will want to show up with her like that.

–Sure, she says.

She doesn't know where she finds the courage to do that. She'll probably regret it.

She knows she won't, in the end.

★

you (7:02pm) : can i ask you a favor

josh (7:03pm) : yes mam

you (7:03pm) : when do you finish working tomorrow

josh (7:04pm) : mmm i only work the morning on tuesday so i'm free the rest of the time i except the guys decide to call me to play music but i think they're working so i doubt they do

josh (7:04pm) : why

you (7:05pm) : can it come at your house

josh (7:05pm) : yeah sure

josh (7:05pm) : is everything ok

you (7:06pm) : remember about my birthday present

josh (7:06pm) : yeah

josh (7:06pm) : what do you actually want me to cut your hair

you (7:07pm) : if it's ok for you

josh (7:07pm) : why not do that at the hairdresser i mean not that i don't want to but idk if i'm good

you (7:08pm) : i don't know

you (7:10pm) : guess it will be less scary if it's you

josh (7:11pm) : oh

josh (7:12pm) : ok come around 2pm

you (7:12pm) : thank you so much oh my god

josh (7:13pm) : anytime man ;)

you (7:13pm) : did you just wink at me

josh (7:14pm) : why would i do that

you (7:14pm) : get out

★

–Are you sure you want to do it ?

–You practically pushed me to do it and now you're the one hesitating ?

Josh soflty laughs.

–I know, he says. That's the point. I would kinda feel responsible if you happen to regret it.

She won't regret it. She knows she won't. Maybe she will be ugly, but it will be better than this.

–I can assure you I wont, she says.

She doesn't tell him why.

She brought a picture on her phone, one she found on tumblr. It's a guy in the street with the hair she wants and black gym shorts on leggings. She hasn't found any close-up picture but Josh seems to see what he needs to see. He didn't react about the fact it was a picture of a guy, didn't say anything about the fact that maybe it was « too short for a girl ». And it's silly, but that's something that makes Ana like him even more.

Josh handle her cissors.

–I guess it's better if you cut what you can before we shave it.

She takes them.

–I can do it, actually, he says.

–No, it's cool.

Her hand is slightly shaking when she takes a long lock between her fingers. She puts the blades of the cissor around it. She closes her eyes.

20 inches fall on the floor.

When she opens her eyelids, Josh is sitting on the bathtub, looking at her through the mirror. He smiles. She's smiling too.

She keeps cutting her hair, following the line of her jaw. It's an absolute mess because it isn't meant to stay like that and they're gonna shave most of it anyway. She feels better at every lock that falls on Josh's bathroom floor.

And when she's finally done with it, when Josh ties the top of her hair to preserve it from the trimmer, when he plugs the machine and turns it on, when she feels the plastic teeth shaving off her hair for the first time, when Josh cuts the hair on the top after he's finished buzzing the rest, when he washes her hair as she's bending over the bathtub, her head hanging against the ceramic and the warm water trying to find a way under her eyelids, when Josh dries it off with a towel and fluffs it up a little bit, when he stands behind her, looking at her in the mirror with his bright, beautiful smiles, she feels better than she's ever felt in months, years. Or maybe better is not the right word, but she feels a little bit more like herself.

And she could cry, right now.

–I'm kinda proud of myself, Josh says, petting her head. You look fucking amazing.

She could cry.

–Thank you, she says. Thank you.

And maybe they both feel like it's too early, like they're friends but not enough to hug, maybe, but she feels Josh's hand tighten on her shoulder and that's enough.

★

–For God's sake, what were you thinking ?!

Mom using God's name in vain. That's never good news.

–I wanted a change, Ana says with a voice she hopes to be strong.

–There were plenty of ways to cut it short and pretty and you decided to look like a thug because you wanted a change ?

Mom waves her hands around her head and watches her daughter as if she just had told her she was doing hard drugs or she had killed someone. And Ana first thought that she would be scared, when the moment would come. When she'd have to face her with her short, short hair and shaved sides, with a face that was closer to what she really was but so far away from what her mother wanted her to be.

–I do not look like a thug.

–You look like a boy.

Thanks. The word nearly escapes her mouth but it would be too much, even for herself.

–But I'm not a boy, mom, and nobody cares what I look like.

–People actually care Anathema ! You think it's easy to find a job when you look like that ? What's next, tattoos and piercings ?

Yeah, kinda. She doesn't say that either.

–And don't you « I do what I want » me, mom continues. As long as you live in my house, what you do of yourself is part of my business.

–I'm not saying it isn't, Ana says even if it is, but honestly she's so tired already and she doesn't want this argument to go too far. I'm just saying that a short haircut isn't a big deal.

–If your hair is not important for you, why did you have to do that ?

–It is important for me to have it short.

It's the only thing she finds.

–Because you like to look like a freak ?

Touché.

–Is that what you think I am ? A freak ?

Her voice is full of shivers and anger and she can't even stop it now because it's going too far.

–You look like one, Ana, I don't know what to think.

She could burst into tears, right now. Maybe mom would understand how painful her words are, maybe she would understand how it hurt. She wishes she didn't have to talk. She wishes everyone could understand her without having to explain anything. More than that, she wishes that there was nothing to be understood because she would be fucking normal and she would have kept her hair and she wouldn't be crying internally trying not to yell at her mother. She wishes that she wasn't a freak.

She doesn't answer and goes up to her room. She hears her mom shouting about the fact that she had to come back, and then that this conversation isn't over.

She's gonna cry. She can't cry, not again.

She's supposed to feel better, now. She felt better, with her fresh haircut and Josh's hand on her shoulder. Why isn't she allowed to feel better ?

Her phone buzzes in her pocket. She's been receiving texts for a while, but she couldn't read them when her mom was busy telling her she looked like a freak. Freak, freak, freak.

★

josh (6:14pm) : so how did it go

josh (6:32pm) : i'm assuming not well but i don't like to make negative statements

josh (6:32pm) : so i'm just gonna say that i hope it's fine

josh (6:49pm) : but in case it's not and you need to hear that i would like to make sure you know you look great with your new hair

you (6:50pm) : thanks

josh (6:51pm) : are you ok

you (6:51pm) : not really

josh (6:52pm) : ok we're having a sleepover

you (6:52pm) : what

josh (6:53pm) : on the beach

josh (6:53pm) : we're having a sleepover on the beach

you (6:53pm) : what kind of idea is this

josh (6:54pm) : genius

you (6:54pm) : i

you (6:54pm) : ok you know what you're lucky because i'm in the mood to do some nonsense shit

josh (6:55pm) : nice

josh (6:56pm) : im gonna ask my mom if i can pack some food she made for us to eat on the beach i'll be there in 30min

you (6:57pm) : i'll find a way to get there too

josh (6:58pm) : sick

josh (7:00pm) : oh ana

you (7:00pm) : what

josh (7:00pm) : can you bring your ukulele

josh (7:02pm) : i know you for two months and i don't know that much about you but i do know for sure that you fucking love music and i've never heard you sing and that's a shame

you (7:02pm) : yeah if you want

josh (7:03pm) : yes cool you're great see you later

you (7:03pm) : see ya

★

–I'm pretty much curious to know how you got there without getting in trouble, Josh says, handing her a small box.

–Oh, I sure am in trouble. I told my mom I was at Jenna's and asked Jenna to cover me if she asked anything now or later, but I don't think she actually believed that and I'm definitely in deep shit.

The box is warm in her hands. When she opens it, she smells fried chicken.

–Heaven, she says.

Josh laughs. He pulls a blanket out of his bag.

–A blanket ? Ana says. Seriously ?

–When I said sleepover, I was serious.

She takes a bite of the chicken. It's good. Really good. Momma Dun sure is a good cook. It tastes different than her mom's recipe ; it's not better or worse, just different, and she somehow needed that. Silly. Meanwhile, the sky's turning a darker blue. Night falls quick in November.

–Can I ask what happened ? Josh says softly, opening his own box.

She said she looked like a freak. She looked at her like she was a monster.

Freak, freak, freak.

–She hates it.

–She has no taste, then.

She wants to understand her mom, really. Deep down, she knows her reaction is because she wants the better for her daughter, she wants Ana to have a normal life and a normal face and a normal haircut because that's how you get it easy in life, that's how things work. But a selfish part of her wants the others to get that it doesn't have to work like that. Because that's not fair.

That's not fair.

–Are we gonna stay here all night ? Ana says.

–I don't know. If it gets too cold, we can go at my place. I have a matress under my bed.

The sky is a weird indigo blue, almost violet.

–I still have your shirt, Ana says.

–You can keep it. Honestly. Already told you it looked better on you.

–Stop shitting me.

They finish their meals in silence, then Josh asks if he can hear a song.

–What do you want me to sing ? She says, wiping her hands on her jeans before grabbing ger ukulele, hoping her fingers aren't too greasy.

–Something you wrote.

It's dumb because for someone who loves playing ukulele, she doesn't have a lot to play on it. She mostly cover things with it, more used to compose on her keyboard.

–You're gonna find it weird, she says when she finds, but I have something about the sea. And god. But it has a lot of sea in it.

–Do that then.

When she starts singing, she closes her eyes.

–There's miles of land in front of us...

The world seems infinite under her eyelids and for a moment, she forgets about feeling wrong or not belonging because it's not important anymore, because the world is bigger. She somehow knows that she'll have to come back to reality, that it's not that easy, but right now she doesn't care about her voice sounding weird or too girly and she doesn't care if she screwed up one chord, she doesn't care if she hates her breasts and she doesn't care about what she's been avoiding to admit to herself for the last months, for all her life. Right now, the universe is infinite and there will always be stars above them to shine and they are so small, so insignificant.

It feels so good, music. She had almost forgotten about it. How long has it been since the last time she played ? Why did she forget how great it felt, how much power it had ?

She hears Josh improvising a rythm, tapping on his knees. She open her eyes.

And maybe it's her imagination, maybe she's making up things, but the violet-blue in the sky seems darker. The crappy light of the street behind them lights them up and Josh looks beautiful and magic and she never wants to forget this image. She never wants to lose the magic.

She closes her eyes again to save a picture under her eyelids.

Then she yells, and Josh is drumming harder on his knees. There's nobody around to hear them. They're all alone in the world and nothing matters ; they're infinite.

They end up talking all night on the beach. They don't go to Josh's place, and they don't sleep. They just talk and they don't stop. Ana knows she'll be scared, later. She knows that she'll be terryfied to lose Josh because that's what happens with her when she gets close to people. But she manages to hope she won't, because right now, all she feels is trust and freedom and purity and she wants her whole life to look like this night.

Around 6am, they cover their sixth song and Josh tells her they should really play music together. He tells her he is serious and that it could be amazing.

She could not be more okay about that that she actually is, because she's never agreed so much with someone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had an obsession over my long hair forever like i had long, dark shiny hair and it was beautiful and when i cut it i cried but i never felt so good. there's way too much of my life in this fanfic.
> 
> hope you're okay.


	5. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> –We were beautiful, Josh finally says.
> 
> Ana decides Josh is magic.
> 
> –Yes, we were.
> 
> They are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long ass chapter. lots of things happening. think you're gonna like it.

–Oh my god, Jenna mouths when Ana waves at her from afar.

–I warned you, Ana says when she gets close enough.

Jenna gets up from the bench she was sitting on.

–Don't mistake me, she says. You look amazing. But damn, it was so long, it's kinda radical.

–That kinda was the point.

They start walking, heading to the frozen yoghurt shop they love to go to. It's wednesday and Ana was supposed to come here with her mom, as they used to when she was younger, but the haircut incident happened and they haven't talked ever since. Ana hasn't even seen her, as she was supposed to be sleeping at Jenna's. After the night on the beach with Josh, she walked him to his house before going to the bus station, thirty minutes in advance. She had 25% battery left and was supposed to survive all day with that much, so she quickly sent a text to Jenna to ask her if she wanted to hang out this afternoon, one to her mom, warning her that she would come home later, and one to Josh, telling him how much of a lucky bastard he was because he didn't work today and he could just crash on his bed and sleep for five hours.

Her phone's dead now. She's been sitting in silence during the whole travel from college to here. She hates that, sitting in silence. Sometimes, when it happens, the words of this Car Radio thing she wrote come back to her mind and she wonders if it's pretentious to mouth her own lyrics, but it helps a little bit.

Ana doesn't even know if she's feeling bad. The four hours she spent in class were kinda hard to handle because of the lack of sleep but for the rest, she likes the idea that she spent all night awake. Because if she had slept, she would have lost the magic of this night. She feels like sleeping would have cut that. She would be back to reality when waking up.

Now she was stuck in the weird atmosphere of the beach at night, stuck in the sound of the waves and just enough light to show how beautiful Josh's face was, stuck in their homemade music. She still has sand in her shoes. Still has the smell of the sea on her jacket.

She never wants to lose that.

–But seriously, it looks good on you, Jenna adds. When I'll get used to it, I could even say that it actually looks better than when it was long. Short hair would look like shit like me.

–Don't be silly.

Ana can't imagine Jenna look ugly in any way.

–I'm not ! Some things are just better on some people than on others. Plus, I'm sure my mom would kill me if I buzzed my head.

–Oh, believe me, mine wasn't very content with it either.

–Shit. What did she say ?

–She thinks I'm becoming some kind of freak.

_And she's probably right_ . Jenna sighs.

–Moms, she says. She'll get over it, don't worry about it too much. Remember when I died some parts of my hair pink ? It wasn't even that much but my mom totally freaked out. One month later, she told me she was beginning to like it. I think they just need time to adjust to the fact that we're changing you know ?

And Jenna is probably right, but Ana can't help but wondering how much change one can handle.

How much change  _she_ can handle, too. 

They order their frozen yoghurts ; Ana takes a big one with three toppings on it. Her stomach won't stop growling all morning because she only took an expresso to stay awake at the cafeteria and she hasn't eaten anything since Josh's fried chicken.

–Someone's hungry, Jenna says. What did you do tonight, by the way ? You asked me to save your ass if your mom asked where you were – she didn't, by the way, don't freak out, but you didn't really explain.

The first bite of yoghurt feels like heaven.

–There's not very much to explain, I'm afraid, she says. I kind of spent the night on the beach with Josh. Couldn't tell my mom I was going to wander outside all night, couldn't tell her I was sleeping at Josh's either because he's a boy, you know, and we could like have sex before marriage or something.

Saying that out loud makes her remember all the times she sinned. And it's not that Ana doesn't  _believe_ , because shit, she's been praying so much for God to help her figure out what was wrong with her. It's just that she got used at the idea that she would end up in Hell anyway. She won't stop asking for forgiveness, but she's  _wrong_ anyway. No matter what she  _does_ . She  _is_ .

–Plus I told her I was gonna get my hair cut by a friend and I mentionned it was a « he » and besides Mark, I don't have that many male friends. She would have asked about it.

–Yeah, seems legit.

Jenna picks up a raspberry.

–Now I understand why you look so terrible, she says.

–Oh, shut up. I think I'm doing pretty well.

Jenna laughs softly. Then, out of nowhere, she asks :

–Are you dating ? You and Josh.

–What ? No, not at all, why would you think that ?

Soft laugh again.

–Ok, ok, calm down, Jenna says. And before you say anything about the whole « a guy and a girl can be friends without wanting to bang each other » thing.

–Well, that's a true fact, you know, Ana sighs.

–I know that, thanks. I never asked you if you were dating Mark or Chris or Nick. I'm not asking you about Josh because it's a guy and it's your friend, I'm asking you because you seem to like each other very much.

Ana often catches herself staring at Josh, it's true. And she doesn't know if she's allowed to look at him that way and then say that she never thinks of him as other than a friend, but she really doesn't. Josh is beautiful and his smile makes her smile too, and he is so smart and kind and funny and yeah, most of people would probably had guessed they had a crush bigger than the universe by now but Ana doesn't really know where the limit between friendship and romantic affection and anyway, how could she think of Josh as a lover ? She could not, not like that, not when she disgusts herself that much. She could not date anyone right now, let alone someone she loved.

_Loved_ .

–I've never stopped to think about it, she says. I mean, really– I didn't even think of that as a possibility, you know.

And that's true.

–Well, Jenna says. Take your time. And like, don't, if that doesn't work for you. I'm very much about letting relationships grow by themselves, you know. It's not good to like, force anything.

For a second, Ana thinks that, maybe, she wants that thing with Josh to grow, as Jenna says. She pushes the thought immediatly. 

She isn't allowed to think that.

★

–Can we stop here ? Jenna says as they're walking in the alley, passing by multiple shops.

Ana nods. This one is kinda small, with a very particular atmosphere ; makes her think of all these fashion posts Ashley makes, the ones with black clothes with curses written on them in pastel colors, glitter and weird, colorful patterns.

–I'm surprised, Ana says when they get in the shop. That's not really your style, usually.

–It's not for me, actually, Jenna explains, looking at some sweaters. I still havn't given Ashley a proper gift and her birthday was more than two months ago.

–Oh. That explains.

–You can look around, if you want. She's already taken me here once or twice, I think there are some stuff you may like.

Ana looks around her. There is some nice stuff here, indeed. Some stuff her mother would not even let her wear ; even less now that she has short hair, because it would be too much. She would probably let her wear that pin-up like, polka dot dress on big occasions, because she would look prettier in it. She would even let her wear the pink-faux fur jacket.

But these loose black shorts would look too boyish on her. Not mentionning that t-shirt, also loose, also black, with wide holes for the arms.

She notices a skeleton jacket. The hoodie can apparently be zipped over the head.

That looks nice.

_ No _ , mom's voice says.  _ That looks satanic _ .

–What do you think about that ?

She turns around. Jenna is holding a baby pink crop top with a punk-ish version of Barbie with tattoos and a side of her head shaved, doing the feminist pose.

–Kinda ironic, Ana says. Plus, it looks punk as heck and pink. Perfect for her.

–Nice, Jenna says, satisfied. I'll take that.

She looks at the skeleton jacket behind Ana.

–You like that ?

She begins to panic. Is it noticable that it's for  _ boys  _ ? There are no really men and women section in this shop, but maybe you can tell it ; damn, she can tell it. Is it weird ?

–Um– yeah, I mean– I'm not gonna take it anyway, my mom would hate it and I don't have that much money right now, so...

–Well, _your_ birthday is in what, one week ? 

–Jenna, no.

–Jenna, yes.

The blonde smiles proudly, already picking a size for her.

–I can't keep it if I can't even wear it, Ana protests. There's no point.

–Well, you'll wear it when you're not home, Jenna simply says. And you could wash it in your bathroom or something.

Then she says :

–You won't have to hide forever, you know. From anyone.

And maybe Jenna understands. Maybe Jenna got it before she got it herself, whatever  _ it _ is anyway. She won't pressure her, she won't ask her things she knows will be uncomfortable ; Jenna would just wait for her to talk, or not, and when she would ever see her cry, she would just hold her and take her outside to have a walk and eat some ice cream. Jenna doesn't ask. Jenna understands.

And when they head outside the little shop, with Ashley's gift, the skeleton hoodie and a few rings and bracelets Jenna took for herself, Ana thinks she couldn't be more lucky to have her. And Ashley. And Josh.

She had them, so maybe she could hold on to that and stay alive.

★

She tries to not make noise when she gets home. Maybe it will make it more easy if she makes herself all little and silent. She holds the packet from the shop against her chest, hoping she will get to her room before her mom sees it. Because if she sees it, she will have to check what it is ; she has to watch after her daughter's behavior, now that she was becoming a freak.

She takes off her shoes, climb the stairs without anyone noticing and when she gets into her room, she shoves the plastic bag into her wardrobe, thinking of a better place to hide it in case her mom decides to check her stuff. Is she paranoid now ? Is she overreacting ? No. Mom could do that. She wants to puke now. Shit.

She realises.

It's gone. The magic, the beach, Josh in the light, the music. It's gone.  _ It's gone _ .  _ Gonegonegonegone. _

–Anathema ? Is that you ? 

_Not that name, please mom, not that name._

–Yeah, she yells for her mom to hear her.

Ok, she heard her. That's nothing. She can't handle it. She's way too tired for this shit and she doesn't know if she can stand another « conversation » about her hair, or questions about that night.

She hears footsteps in the stairs.

–Can I come in ? Mom asks.

Since when does she asks before ?

–Yeah.

Ana is sitting on her bed, sheets undone, and she realises that she must really look like shit. At least, this time, she didn't get drunk or screwed, so you can't  _ smell _ it. 

–You look tired, Mom says, sitting besides her.

–Yeah, I am.

Mom sighs.

–You know, I know you're all grown up now. And that you can, technically, do what you want – except take drugs and drink and that kind of things.

That causes Ana to chuckle – she's  _ really _ tired.

–Don't worry, she says.

–It's not that I want to control you, I'm not trying to stop you being yourself. I'm just worried.

–I know. I know that it's like– for my own good and stuff. I just hoped that you could considerate that it's not that important. It's not that bad. A haircut. It's nothing.

–Yes. I'm just worried.

They hug. Mom runs her hand through Ana's short hair and she obviously still doesn't like it, but at least, she's not mad anymore. She's just worried. And honestly, Ana can't blame her.

She's worried too.

★

On her birthday, it snows.

It's December first and everybody is joking about the fact that the snow actually came with the festive season.

She can't help but thinking that the snow came with her 19 th birthday, and she doesn't know what it means. She's not very much of a supersitious person, but she could think that the snow means she will feel like shit for another year because snow is  _ cold _ and she feels cold everythime she is alone. Or maybe the snow is there because she needs to be pure again ; snow, it is supposed to be pure. She isn't anymore.

She doesn't want to believe either of these, but her mind is too loud.

★

Her birthday is on a wednesday, and since the whole family's at home once noon has passed, her parents decide to pick her up at college and take her in a fancy restaurant with Zack, Jay and Maddie. And it's been so long since she hasn't  _ felt _ her family. They still eat dinner together everynight, except when one of them is outside, but this time feels different. Maybe it's because it's a special occasion and everyone is trying to make it fine, but Ana prefers to not think that.

Again, she can't help but thinking that she'll lose that, one day.

When they know who she is.

On the way home, Ana finally reads the messages she's been waiting to open.

★

josh (2:05pm) : HAPPY BIRTHDAY

josh (2:06pm) : sorry i'm late i didn't know it was today ashley just told me

josh (2:06pm) : should have asked you when you told me it was soon but i forgot i guess so you'll have to wait a little bit for your present but for now do you want to celebrate on the beach with me

you (2:45pm) : what do you want to do on the beach it's freezing did you even look outside

you (2:45pm) : anD THANK YOU IT'S OKAY DON'T WORRY DON'T EVEN GET ME A PRESENT OMG

josh (2:46pm) : fight me

josh (2:47pm) : and yeah it's cold but that's what warm clothes are for

josh (2:47pm) : we'll go back to my place if it's too cold i don't even have a plan it would just be nice to hang out on your day of birth

josh (2:48pm) : unless you don't want to sorry if i'm annoying

you (2:48pm) : you're not you dumbass

you (2:49pm) : i won't stay very long because jen is picking me up at 7 to take me somewhere but i'll be home around 3 so lets say in 30 mins at the beach ?

josh (2:50pm) : sounds great !! see you later

you (2:50pm) : see ya

★

Josh is as beautiful with snow in his hair than with yellow light and night shadows on his face. The beach is all shades of white ; they look odd with their dark hair, their dark eyes, their black clothes. Ana took the skeleton hoodie in her bag from some reason, and when she was far enough from her home, she took off the jacket she was wearing to replace it with the new one. She doesn't know why she wanted to wear it now in particular. Josh loves it. He looked at her and told her she looked  _ sick _ , but in the way he always meant it, in a way that's good. 

Josh is beautiful with snow in his hair.

Josh is beautiful.

★

The thing with the festive season is that it comes with bad news, too. Bad news being exams. Ana hadn't realized how close it was until her birthday, because it was actually the  _ month _ , and shit, she hasn't done anything and she was so, so late. The thought occurs to her that she didn't even want to pursue these studies anyway and she didn't know what she was doing in college. 

They still haven't played music, with Josh. She writes some things, alone in her room, when her own mind is too much to handle. She tries some chords. She thinks about showing them to Josh, finding a beat for him to play on his drums.

The idea of playing together was serious, but it seems like they hadn't have the time to really think about it. Of course, now that she doesn't have the time for litteraly anything else than studying, sleeping and eating, she is actually pondering about calling Josh and making up something.

She can't do that, of course.

She is in class, thinking about things she couldn't do and scribbling something on her notebook when Ashley comes to sit next to her. She isn't alone.

–Remember Alex ? Ashley said, letting her friend take the sit between hers and Ana's.

_ Oh. _ Alex. Of course she remembers.

Alex was wearing a button up under his sweater ; his hair was orange, now. Not ginger, but like, bright orange.

–Oh, hey Alex, she says, trying not to sound weird.

She really doesn't want to be inappropriate ; she hates herself for being like that, because it should be natural, she shouldn't be embarassed. Intolerant people do that.

–Hey, Alex says, taking place on the seat. Big change, he adds, pointing her hair. Looks good on you.

–I had told you, Ashley sighs. You already looked better than me, but now you're like, 100% hotter. I'm jealous.

–Oh, shut up, Ana laughs.

The teacher takes his time while students are still talking, so Ana takes the occasion to actually try to have a conversation with Alex.

–So, came back to the fantastic town of Colombus to attend the boring classes in litterature ?

–Ha, yes, Alex says, smiling. Trust me, it's better than it is in my highschool. Plus, I don't really know what to do next year so I'm kinda checking out the classes. Your friend Jenna told me I could go to her law class this afternoon.

–Gosh, good luck with that.

Alex's voice is soft and not quite boyish but for some reason, Ana knows, and she can't consider him like anything like a man.

When the class begins and the teacher begins to speak while all students start to take notes, Alex writes something on a piece of papier and hands it to her.

_ Can I ask a question ? If it's not inappropriate _ .

Ana frowns in surprise, then puts the paper down and writes. They could talk, this is a big auditorium and if they're not too loud, no one would hear. But Alex must have his reasons and maybe he really,  _ really _ doesn't want anyone to hear.

**Yes I guess ?**

_I don't know if I'm right to wonder about it or if I'm just gonna look really dumb but like what's your gender ?_

Her heart misses a beat. _Shit_. Does he know ? Does everyone know ? Is it noticable now that she has short hair and maybe she acts like a boy too much, shit, she needs to put her shit together and to be careful, she needs to–

Alex takes back the paper and writes down something else.

_Don't feel forced to answer. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable._

Ana writes :

**Don't be sorry, it's not you. It's me. I happen to freak out a lot.**

_Okay_ .

She doesn't know where she finds the courage to write down the rest.

**I don't know. To give you an answer. More like, I know but I'm too scared. I'm so, so scared. I don't know what to do.**

_I know. It's normal to be scared and like I really, really hope it's gonna be okay for you. If you need to talk about it, I can give you my number or my facebook if you want. Or right now. If you want. Not forcing you into anything._

**I've never talked about it even with myself because I feel like if I say it out loud, or even if I formulate it clearly in my mind, it would get real and there would be no coming back.**

_It's the scariest part, I think. But it feels better after. There's a lot of shit coming, sure, because society is like that and believe me, I hate it, but at least, you aren't angry at yourself anymore. It's not a bad thing, you know._

**I know, and if I've ever done or said something suggesting that I was not okay with that, I'm really sorry.**

_No, don't worry._

**It was never a bad thing to me until I read a little bit too much about it and I figured that I may be like that.**

_It's not a bad thing until it's about yourself, right ?_

**Exactly.**

_Hey. I promise it gets better. And again I'm not the one that's supposed to force you into anything because the only one who can figure that out is yourself, but I swear admitting it is a big, big step._

Ana looks up. She doesn't look at Alex, or Ash, or the teacher. Her eyes are lost somewhere in the space between her hands, on the desk. Her nails are bitten.

**Thanks** is all that she can write, but she means it with all her life.

★

josh (5:18pm) : hey wanna hang out at my place before you get too busy to see your ol pal

josh (5:18pm) : bonus my parents aren't home which means we can not only do the do but also play music if you want, you can brink your ukulele or something

josh (5:19pm) : (i was joking about doing the do)

you (5:20pm) : are you kidding i was thinking about the music thing a few days ago

you (5:20pm): and don't fool me you totally want to do the do with me

josh (5:21pm) : sick !! i finish work at 6 what about you

you (5:22pm) : same i'll go to my house to take some stuff i'll be here at 7 if it's ok for you

josh (5:23pm) : cool

josh (5:23pm) : taco bell ?

you (5:24pm) : damn yes

★

She takes her laptop, her ukulele and the small, very small keyboard toy her mom got her for her 16 th birthday. The big one would do better, of course, but even if Josh's place is ten minutes away, she doesn't feel like carrying it when it's so cold. Plus, it doesn't have a proper case, and it's still snowing.

She also takes the skeleton jacket, and exactly like last time, she changes in the middle of the road, so her mother doesn't make a scene.

When Josh opens the door, he makes another comment on how cool this hoodie is, how jealous he is it fits her so well. She doesn't really believe him about the second part, but at least, she feels better in that, and with him, that in her regular clothes, at home.

–You have something in mind ? Josh asks when they take place in his basement. For us to play, I mean.

–I have some sounds recorded on that, Ana says, pointing the laptop.

–We can maybe, try to play one and find a beat to go with it while you sing. Like, I can improvise something. It's gonna be a total mess, but we'll work on it later.

That sounds like a good idea. Ana opens her computer and plugs the speakers in.

–I have something very rough for March to the Sea. The song we played on the beach, you know. It starts with only ukulele so I can play and then I start the recording like, well, when it's supposed to come, and you just play when you feel it ?

Josh seems enthusiast.

–Sounds sick.

He gets to his drums, and Ana opens the small ukulele case and sits on the floor, next to the laptop. She only strums and sings the beginning, tries not to pause when she has to push the play button. It's just some chords on the keyboard, some soft sounds to go with the ukulele, and she always feels like something is missing in this song.

Then Josh starts drumming. It isn't great, of course, it can be when he heard the song once, on a beach during the night, but Josh is good at that. He really is, because he truly is building something and they both know that somehow, this is going to be amazing. He stops when he thinks the song is supposed to get calmer, and Ana nods at him when he can start again. They don't break eye contact. Even when she yells « follow me instead » in the basement and Josh begins beating the crap out of his drums like his fucking life depended on it.

They're still looking at each other when the song is finished. They don't say anything for a moment that seems long, but it's not uncomfortable, and maybe it's another magic moment Ana have to registers in her mind.

–We were beautiful, Josh finally says.

Ana decides Josh is magic.

–Yes, we were.

They are.

★

They play two hours more before they realize they're hungry and that Josh still hasn't called Taco Bell. They decide that they need rest.

★

In the middle of the X-Files episode they're watching (Josh decided than she couldn't live one more day without seeing the best tv show in the universe), Ana realizes she should go home, because it's late and as safe as the neighborhood is, she doesn't want to make a bad encounter on her way. She's joking about the fact that now that she looks like a boy, it's less scary to go home, and then Josh offers her to stay.

–So you really want to bang me, Ana says.

–It was my plan since the beginning, Josh grins. No, more seriously, you can stay. My parents aren't home and I'd rather spend more time with you. If it's ok for you.

Of course it's ok. Of course she wants so say.

She doesn't want to lose the spark in the back of her head, the one that happens when she is with Josh and goes away when she falls asleep. She doesn't like the idea of depending of someone this much, but it's not even about that ; it's more, somehow, and even if she's only one to feel like that about their relationship, it's ok.

–Ok, she says.

★

They talk a lot. Josh took the matress under his bed for her to sleep on, but they're both laying on it. It's not even weird ; they don't see why it should be.

They talk a lot and Ana doesn't think that much anymore, because it must be three in the morning and she hasn't slept that much these times. She didn't have the time to recover because there is work to get tone, work she hates, work she can't even hear about without freaking out but she must do it and then lay in bed for two hours wondering what her life is and feeling like she doesn't belong in the work. So right now, no, she doesn't think that much anymore. That must be why she starts telling things to Josh ; scary things. But it seems like the night creates some kind of intimacy between them and maybe it's the opportunity.

Or maybe she'll lose him forever.

She doesn't think.

–You know, she says, when we met you said you thought my name was cool. It's not. I've always hated it.

–Why ?

The lights are off but her eyes adjusted now, and she can see Josh's feature thanks to the moonlight.

Josh is beautiful.

–It means a « vehement disagreement with or dislike of something ». From a christian point of view, it's even a curse. It's something damned. Something you hate. I'm litteraly named after the actual definition of something you hate.

–Why would your parents name you that ?

–My aunt died three weeks before I was born and she would always say that she would name her daughter like that, because it was a badass name. She didn't have any kids, so my mom figured it would be nice to give me that name. And apparently, it can also just mean « set apart ». Mom always told me that was because I was meant to be different, but in a good way.

She doesn't see how _this_ thing she won't name can be a good way. Mom wouldn't think that if she knew. She wouldn't have named her after something _different_ if she knew what it meaned.

–What do I call you ? Josh asks.

They're whispering now. Parents aren't home, but Josh's sisters and brother may be sleeping now. It's late. Or early.

–I already told you.

–No, I don't mean that. What do you _really_ want me to call you ?

She hears her heart bump too loudly and she wonder if he knows. She wonders if she should tell him, at this state, because anyway a day will come when he will know how fucked up she is and he will leave. Maybe if he hates her now, it would be easier. It would not be that long of a friendship. She would get over it.

–What do you know ? She asks.

The question sounds like nonsense and she doesn't know how Josh gets it anyway, but he does.

–I know that you're not Anathema, or Ana, he says. And I know that you feel like you're not who you supposed to be.

She's going to cry. If she hopes too much and then he leaves (or _she_ does, he's in his own house), she's going to cry.

–What do I call you ?

And of course she's been thinking about that. Way too much. Anathema is not her, so who is she ? _What do I call you ?_ She's been thinking about many names and then pushing them away. She caught herself liking one more than the others, wanting to have this name. Does she have the right ?

_What do I call you ?_

She closes her eyes.

–Tyler.

She's shaking, but she doesn't even feel it. She's scared, she's so, so scared.

–Ok, Josh says. Tyler. I like it.

When she looks at him again, he's smiling, and his eyes are so full of kindness that she actually may cry.

–Isn't that weird for you ? Ana– _Tyler_ says, her– _his_ voice barely a whisper not.

–You're still you. Even if you're Tyler. Even if you're a he. You're still everything we talked about during hours on the beach, or here. You're still the beautiful words you write and sing. You're still you. So, no, that's not weird for me.

Josh is beautiful. Josh is fire and he looks like the stars. He lightens up everything and he's magic and Tyler never wants to lose him, he wants to talk with him and sleep next to him and hold him and god, he is so in love. He didn't stop to think about it, even when Jenna mentionned it, because maybe, he hadn't realized, maybe he didn't see he crossed the line a while ago. He is so in love with Josh and his heart is going to burn and he never wants that thing they have to end. He isn't even asking for Josh to love him back, he doesn't even care if he can just be with him and _he is so in love_.

Josh is beautiful.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got very emotional writing this. thanks a lot for all your kudos/comments/bookmarks. i love you all.


	6. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wants it to get real. More than anything. He wants to be able to come out to everyone, to tell them his name, to say the word « transgender » without being afraid. He wants to know how to become who he really is, he wants to begin a transition, he wants to walk out of the shower without being scared of seing someone he's not in the mirror, he wants to sing with a voice that will fit better, he wants to play music with Josh and maybe, one day, get known as Tyler Joseph.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i took more time to update, and the chapter's shorter. 
> 
> tw for self-harm in this chapter. stay safe.

 

It's strange how little it takes for one to change.

It feels like yesterday, Ana was still sure what to do ; she didn't knew who she was, but she was young, so it's normal, she was just gonna wait to grow up a little bit. She was going to study for a few more years and then graduate and get a job she wouldn't even question.

Now, _he_ isn't even _Ana_ anymore.

Tyler doesn't know what his life is anymore. At least, he managed to get that sorted out ; the fact that his name wasn't his, that he isn't and never was a girl. The thought still scares the shit out of him and sometimes, late at night, he tries to convince himself that this isn't real. He wakes up in the morning and tells himself that it's okay, to live like that ; maybe he can try to be a girl, after all. It would be easier.

He knows he can't. But even if he's frightened, he's trying to accept it. He'll figure out what to do later. For now, playing music with Josh and talking to him when he feels too lost to manage his own head is enough. For now.

He's been spending a lot of time at the Dun house, lately. A few days after he fell asleep in Josh's matress after telling him his name, Josh offered him to come play music when he was finished working. Tyler was supposed to have class, but yeah, this looked like a better alternative. When he got out of the house, he made sure that no one would see him with his ukulele in his hand. You don't see many uses for a ukulele in litterature class.

It's Josh's mom that opened the door, this time. He should have expected that because he only went to this place two times and yeah, his parents weren't home but it still was their home and he still should have planned something to say, _shit._

–Hello, the woman says, smiling. You must be Josh's friend, I guess ?

Josh arrives downstairs before he can give an answer and god, Tyler is really thankful for that.

–Hey, Josh says – his hair is wet and he's a little bit out of breath. Sorry, I was taking a shower. Mom, this is my friend Tyler.

Tyler's heart beats fast as he's wondering if Josh's mom _knows_ about him being _like this_ , or if she's scanning him, wondering why this _Tyler_ doesn't look like a boy.

–Nice to meet you, Tyler, she says. I'm Laura.

They shake hands and when Tyler looks at Josh, he's smiling as if he was telling him « of course I told her your real name ».

–We were about to eat dinner, Laura says.

–Oh, I'm so sorry, Tyler apologizes, because shit, he hadn't really thought about it since he got out of his house _when he was supposed to_. Actually, I live really close, I can come back later.

–I was going to offer you to eat with us, actually. If you don't mind.

–Are you sure ? I mean, I don't want to bother you or something.

–Well, I'm sure Josh wants you to stay, and we can make some room for you. I always make too much food anyway.

Tyler looks at Josh, then he looks back at his mom.

–Thank you, he says.

★

–Can I ask you something ? Tyler asks when they go in the basement after dinner.

–Sure, Josh says.

–Did you tell your family I wasn't...

He pauses, because he doesn't know if he's gonna find the right words, or the courage to say them.

–A boy, he finishes. Like, yes, I am, I mean, do they know that I wasn't born... ?

–I didn't tell them, Josh says. I didn't actually talk about you a lot before today because they didn't meet you and I could hang out with a billion people without them knowing their names if they don't meet them, but you're here.

He pauses, too.

–And I didn't tell them that you weren't a _real_ boy, because you are.

They had a conversation, once, about religion and their families. They told each other the shit they went through because of that. Josh told him that his parents were probably worse. He had to hide the punk rock records he bought under his bead, and his father made him watch christian, censored versions of the action movies he wanted to see. He was even kicked out from the house a few years ago.

Josh's parents didn't seem like bad people who treated their son like shit, to Tyler, and they probably did what they thought was good for him, but still, he doesn't think that they agree on the existence of people like _him_ that much. Maybe they didn't react when Josh was talking about him as Tyler, as _him,_ because he really looked like a boy.  
Tyler smiles. He's undoing the case of his ukulele, and his face is turned down the floor, so Josh can't see him. He wishes he was like him, he wishes that he could smile with all of his heart and _give_ him something with his smile, but he deosn't know if he's able to, so he doesn't show him. Maybe one day.

–What do you want to play ? Tyler asks, changing the subject. I'm afraid I don't have anything new to show you, besides some old stuff you haven't heard, maybe, but we can work on something.

–Mhhh, we still have to find a beat for Fall Away.

–And I still have to adjust the rapping, god. Let's do that.

They smile. Maybe this time, Josh sees it.

★

It's the first song he's ever finished. _They_ finished it.

Maybe it's the beginning of something new.

Tyler hopes it is.

★

Tyler is studying when he realizes he really, really doesn't want to do that, and he wonders what the hell he was thinking when he thought that literature studies were for him, that studies were for him. He thinks about Josh that told him that he'd get a small flat in town next year, and he's almost jealous of that. Josh does what he want. Josh lived at a friend's for a month or two because his parents wouldn't let him be who he was, but he is still him and he does _what he want_. His mother wanted him to study law and his father once or twice told him that he was going to throw these hella drums away, but he is still him, and he does what he want.

How does he do that ? It took Tyler ages to cut his hair, he hasn't even told his _best friends_ that he was _Tyler_ , let alone his family, he doesn't even know if he'll be able to tell them he wants to stop studying because it would be too much to handle and damn, maybe it would be easier to keep doing that for a few more years and graduate. He could make music after.  
But right now, he sees his class notes and the ones Ashley gave him and he wants to throw up at the idea of keeping doing that, not because he hates literature but because it's not what he wants to do, it's not him and it never was, and he's so tired of pretending all the time.

★

When winter break comes, Tyler's not allowed to see anybody except for studying. He could pretend he's going to Ashley's place to work and actually to Josh's, but they live in the same neighbourhood and if Josh's mom and his get to know each other one day, he doesn't want Laura to tell her about all the times he was at their house when he was supposed to study. It's stupid, because Laura could also tell about the times he was there instead of being in class ; he's screwed anyway. Maybe Tyler also stays home because he doesn't know what he's doing, and sometimes studying doesn't seem that bad and he thinks he can do it, maybe, even if deep down, he knows he's lying to himself.

Christmas is not that far and shit, time flies. It's been a week he hasn't seen Josh, even if he spends some time he's supposed to use to study history and philosophy to text him. He's gone to Ashley's place once, told his mom they were going to study. They did for two hours and spent the four ones left playing video games.

Most of the time, Tyler wanders alone in his room, working when he's feeling like he can do it and crying about the fact he can't the rest of the time.

Maybe this is a good thing, because at least, crying about that holds him from crying about the other thing. But sometimes, he can't escape that.

Today, he can't escape that. Maybe it's because Mom wanted to take him for shopping to buy her a dress for Christmas, maybe it's because she pointed out that _she_ wasn't even trying to look like pretty anymore. Or maybe not, because that isn't even that hard to stand. What is hard is that no matter how less he tries to look like a girl, how much he tries to look like a boy, he's never going to. There's steam on the mirror when he comes out of the shower. His hair is growing. He's gonna need to get it cut again. He looks at his jawline, at his nose, his cheeks. He wishes his face was more harsh, more manly. He looks at his breasts. They're small, but still here. He look in his own eyes, and he still sees Anathema in them.

He's never going to look like a boy.

★

He doesn't know what pushes him to go downstairs this night. It's almost like he isn't thinking, but he know he is. He's thinking too much.

The two first cuts don't make him bleed. It barely scratches him, but he gets adjusted to the feeling so he can cut deeper the third time without being afraid. It feels odd, doing something that scares him so much. Doing it anyway. Why is he doing that ?

The third, fourth and fifth cuts make small red pearls appear. It seems like it's not enough. It hurts a little bit. Not enough. He didn't even turn the lights on, but he sees it's not enough. He doesn't know when it will be enough. Maybe when it will hurt so much, when so much blood will be flowing out of his body that he wouldn't be able to think of anything else.

The sixth cut make him bleeds. A lot. He watches the blood run on his arm, dropping in the kitchen sink. It won't stop now.

And suddenly, he's scared again. The knife falls in the sink and Tyler puts his fingers above the cut, but it won't stop. He holds his own wrist but blood still tries to escape between his fingers.

Shit. _Shit_. He tries to calm down, to tell himself it's nothing, he's not gonna die.

At least, it works. When he washes his cuts away, watching the water and the blood fall in the sink, he doesn't think about anything else. Just the pain, and just the fear. He doesn't think about his body, his name, his family, his grades.

When he leaves the kitchen and go to bed, he still isn't very aware of what happened.

He's not gonna tell anybody, never. He'll make up some silly origin stories that nobody will buy when they will ask him about the scars. He'll keep the memory of his own blood running down the kitchen sink for himself, forever.

★

Christmas came, new year's eve too, and by the time Tyler passed his finals, he's sure he doesn't want to do that anymore. He doesn't know how he's gonna tell it to his parents, he doesn't know _if_ he's gonna tell them now. Probably not. He could just go to Josh's place, or in town with him, or at his job. He could spend his time at the Guitar Center, or at Jenna's when she's not in class, since they don't have the same schedules. He could, and that's probably what he's going to do, but it's bad, it's so bad, lying to your family. What can he do ? If he stops his studies, his mom is probably gonna tell him to choose something else, but he doesn't want that. He wants to find a job, to play music and play live shows in coffees during the week end. He wants to earn enough money to fly away until everyone forgets he exists, so he can become who he truly is without the fear of being judged.

It's been a month he hasn't seen Josh in person, and it's ridiculous when you think that they live ten minutes away from each other. Josh actually offered to come to his place with food sometime, so they can chat a little bit before Tyler goes back working again. And honestly, Tyler hates himself for saying no. Josh respected that, of course, because he's _Josh_ and he's fucking nice like that. He didn't even ask for more, didn't even insist, when Tyler said that he would love that but he was scared of what his mom would think. He felt horrible, hiding Josh from his family. There wasn't even a reason, because Josh planned having his hair dyed in some fancy color and getting a big tattoo on his harm, but for now, he looks pretty normal and comes froma christian family, someone Tyler could be friends with without his mother worrying about him doing drugs or having casual sex outside. Not that Tyler would mind the second thing, but that's not the fucking subject, right.

Tyler doesn't even know what he is afraid of. The worse that could happen would be his mother thinking that her _daughter_ finally got a boyfriend, and as Josh looks as kind as he actually is, she probably would want to marry her. Except Tyler is not dating Josh and never will.  
But there is a chance that if Josh dyes his hair, gets his tattoos or even shows interest for punk music, if Mom hears them play in the basement together, she will think that her _daughter_ changing is Josh's fault. And Tyler couldn't stand being taken away from him, or even simply starting arguments about him at stupid hours in the evening because his mother would see him as a bad influence.

Josh and him decided to meet in town, because Tyler still had to show him the frozen yoghurt place he goes to with Jenna. For the first time since they met, Josh hugs him. And for the first time, Tyler realizes he can call Josh a friend. A real, close one. It's stupid because they reached this stage a while ago. They see each other all the time (well, not _all_ the time, it's been a while now), they create music together, they talk for hours, Christ, Josh is the first and only person Tyler told his name to. But it's only then, in his arms, that he realizes that that's what they are. _Friends._

–This, Josh says, pointing at his yoghurt, is _sick_.

–I hope so, with all the toppings you put on that, Tyler says.

–Never enough toppings.

They smile while eating. Tyler had missed this.

–I've been thinking about a few things during your winter hiatus, Josh says.

–Oh, and what are these ?

–I think we should play music live.

Tyler can't say he hasn't thought about it too, because that's the whole point of making music for him. Sharing emotions with people, sharing yourself. As much as he loves playing in his and Josh's basement or on the beach, late at night, playing on stage sure would be a stronger experience. He fantasizes about getting known for his songs, sometimes. All the time. But he's not that special. People say his lyrics are good but it just feels like it's not enough.

Plus, he can't sing them, with this voice. He should try, maybe, but he knows he can't.

–It's not that easy, you know, Tyler says. Plus, we haven't even finished a single song.

–Well, that can be fixed. I mean, you already have some songs recorded on your laptop, we just need to do some modifications and add the drumming part. And I know it's not easy, but like, I'm not talking about playing in big halls and stuff, but getting ourselves heard in coffees or pubs could be a beginning.

That sounds nice. Tyler reminds himself of all the ways he's ever thought about to get people's attention, because it's hard to be noticed when you come from nothing. He would yell at some songs, get on his piano, or on tables. They could wear the same clothes, some fancy one. Or some make-up, or some masks.  
They could, if Tyler wasn't how he is right now. He knows he can't do either of these things like that, and he hates himself for that. It would be easier if he was normal, if he was ok with being a _she_.

–I'm sorry, Josh says, and Tyler realizes he hasn't answered him. I'm getting a little bit too enthusiastic about this. I understand if you don't really want this to be a thing, you know.

–It's not that, Tyler answers after another short pause, because he doesn't know how to express this. I really want this to be a _thing._ The first time you said we should play music together, I told myself that you were probably joking, and I was glad when you said you were not. And I really want us to be– like, a band. But...

It's still hard to talk about it, even with Josh.

–I don't know if I can handle doing it like _that,_ he says, pointing himself out. I'm not, like– I don't think I can record songs and then hear my _girl's_ _voice_ and go on stage in my _girl's body._ I don't want people to see me as a woman and I don't want to see myself as one. I can tell myself I'm a boy if I avoid looking at myself in the mirror for too long but I don't think I'll be able to do something so big. I can get small bits of happiness when people in shops call me sir or young man and I can believe your family doesn't know about me and I can pretend I'm a _real_ boy, but nobody will buy it. They will see me and they will ask themselves « what are they ? » before hearing my small voice and sorting it out. And then, I'll be forced to face it. I can't do that.

It's still hard to talk about it, but he ended up telling everything. Josh waits untill the end, then takes a bite of his yoghut, with oreo bits, chocolate chunks and caramel sauce on it.

–I get it, he says. I'm sorry I didn't think about that, I should have.

–Don't apologize for that, Tyler says. It's not your fault I'm weird.

–You're not weird. You're just trying to be yourself, and it's harder for some people.

His words sound right. More right than the ones in his head.

–Can I ask you something ? Josh says. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

–Ask and I'll see, I guess.

Josh looks at him in the eyes, this time.

–Do you plan to... transition ? I think it's the word ?

Josh looks embarassed by the fact he's not very sure, not very aware of those things, but honestly, Tyler barely knows better. He still feels bad for getting information on the subject, even if he knows it would help, maybe. But even if he realized that he wasn't a girl, he's still afraid of the words. He doesn't want it to get too real.

–I don't know, he says.

He _wants_ it to get real. More than anything. He wants to be able to come out to everyone, to tell them his name, to say the word « transgender » without being afraid. He wants to know how to become who he really is, he wants to begin a transition, he wants to walk out of the shower without being scared of seing someone he's not in the mirror, he wants to sing with a voice that will fit better, he wants to play music with Josh and maybe, one day, get known as Tyler Joseph.

–I want to.

Josh smiles.

–That's good, he says.

–Why ? Tyler asks, confused.

–Because that means you'll be able to sing, then.

Tyler smiles too.

He is so in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are slowly changing in tyler's head. shit's about to get real.


	7. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God, they're going to be so sad, when they know. They're never going to get over it. It will be like he – she was dead. Their Ana. Their daughter. Their good girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay. been busy with school and stuff. can't promise, but i'll try to post more often.

As the time passed, Tyler slowly began to avoid more and more classes. He would spend the time he wasn't in college or at home at Josh when he wasn't working and when both his parents were, because he was worrying they were going to meet his one day and tell them about all the time he spent at their places. When Josh was at work, Tyler would wander in town all day, often stopping in coffeeshops to open his laptop and write something.

He doesn't know what he's doing. He should just tell his parents he wanted to stop his studies, because this isn't going to make the situation any better. His mom will eventually find out, his dad would yell at him, and everyone will be disappointed. They were so happy, when he said he was going to study litterature to become a teacher. His mom was a teacher, too, and his dad still is the principal of his former highschool. Now their son – _daugher,_ wanted to drop everything out to find a shitty job and make music with some punk guy. And they don't even know that he isn't a _she_ , they don't know and they must not know. They're going to be so sad and angry and if they don't stop loving him at all, it will be different, they will look at him as he was some freak, maybe long enough for him to believe them and give up.

They were so happy.

It's four in the morning and Tyler just woke up. He isn't supposed to be up that early, of course, but his mind is too loud, and when he finally can fall asleep, it's usually not for long. It isn't even about nightmares, or panic attacks. When he wakes up, late at night (or early in the morning), he's still quiet untill he figures out he's back in real life. Then he hits him, and it all comes back. Even his sleep seems to be playing a big joke on him. Let's wake him up at the only moment he feels safe. Let's blow away the only pieces of peace he has.

Here he is, wide awake now, lying on his back, watching his ceiling, waiting for something to happen, something to save him. But the only thing that could save him would be his parents suddenly becoming the most comprehensive and open-minded people on the planet and you don't change people like that. You don't take all the choices you've made to make your family and what you thought was yourself happy and suddenly break them like it was nothing. You don't tell someone who believes God hates gays and doesn't even want to know that transgender people exist that you're a boy expecting that they're going to accept it, especially you freaking parents.

Tyler is a boy, and Tyler wants to make music. But everything is going to be so hard to get through and God, he just wants it to stop. He just wants everything to stop spinning and running around him, he just wants to make his stuff without worrying about family, money, the world. He just wants to live his life free, but that's not how things work.

He has to make everyone proud, to be a perfect girl. He needs to get a good job, to make money, to get married.

Sometimes, he thinks about the kitchen sink. He think about how the cuts made him forget about the rest, for a few minutes. But he made a promise to himself that he would never do it again. He doesn't even know why ; it would be so much easier. Even easier if he'd just let the blood slip out of his body untill there was nothing left of him. It would be easier, not to exist ; he doesn't know how he is going to live if he has to face all the thing in life that come.

That's not the first time he wants to die. He can't even remember a day where he fully wanted to live.

He wants to, deep down. He wants to live _free._

He doesn't know how.

 
    
    
    ★
    

–You should come to class sometimes, Ashley says after they ordered they drinks. I mean, I know you're willing to quit, but we don't see you pretty face anymore.

–I came at your place two days ago, Tyler says.

–That's not the same.

–So, what are you doing now ? Jenna aks. Are you going to try find a job or something ?

–Yeah, when I tell my parents I'm stopping my studies. Which means I don't freaking know when.

–What, you still haven't told them ? Jenna exclaims. Where are you staying if you don't go to class ? I thought you were staying home ?

–I stay in town. Or at Josh's, when he doesn't work. Sometimes.

Tyler sighs.

–They're going to freak out if I tell them. They wanted me to have a good job, not to drop out everything they've always wanted me to do to live my own life. That's not how they work. I know they just want the best for me, they're not, like...

–But their best is not your best, Ashley says. Most parents are like that. They're afraid you're going to choose a different path, because they only know their one, so that's the safe one for them, that's the one you should take. But it's not.

–I don't want to be the annoying friend, Jenna says, but I don't think hiding something so big is going to make things any better. I guess it's better talking to them now than letting them find out that you've been lying all this time, you know ?

–Yeah.

There is no fucking solution. In both cases, he's screwed. Maybe he's overthinking it, maybe his parents will understand. Maybe they'll try to help him. Of course they'll always try to help him ; but if to them, helping him is convincing him to keep studying and sending him to church so God can show him that He made him a girl for some reason and that he shouldn't doubt about it, it will not _help_.

–I lie to them about a bunch of things, Tyler admits.

Ash and Jenna don't say anything. Their drinks just arrived.

–I don't want you to take that the wrong way, Jenna says after a moment thinking about it. But I feel like you've been hiding some stuff to us too. I mean, I don't want to be the intrusive kind of friend who wants to know everything about your life, of course you can have secrets, but I just want to make sure you're okay, you know.

–It's ok if you don't want to talk about it, Ashley says after drinking a bit of her cocktail. I don't think it's healthy to talk about something if you don't want to. But I think I can speak in the names of both Jenna and myself here, you don't have to be afraid to talk to us. We won't judge you, for anything.

And for a moment, Tyler wonders if he's _that_ obvious. But now that he thinks about it, the hair and the feminine clothes he doesn't wear anymore are probably obvious enough. Josh figured out, after all ; Tyler has been hanging out with Ashley for a year now, and he knows Jenna since they're kids. Maybe they figured out, too, but maybe they kept the image of Anathema in their head. He knows Ashley doesn't have any problem with any of these things, because she's friends with Alex and keeps reblogging supportive LGBT+ posts on her tumblr, but Jenna's family is as strongly Christian as his is, and even if she's pretty chill around some things the Bible says she shouldn't be, Tyler doesn't know if she would understand.

–I'm a boy, he spills out before he can stop himself.

He drinks half of his glass in one time. He must be ridiculous, trying to calm himself by drinking some stupid, barely alcoholic beverage, but he doesn't know how he can cope with what is possible to come now. Jenna isn't the kind to never talk to him again ; maybe she will just try to tell him it's a phase, that he's confused, and that it's going to go away, but Tyler knows it's not.

–I thought so, Jenna says.

And Tyler looks at her, realizing he had been looking at everything but his friends' eyes for a while now. Then he looks at Ashley, and she's smiling.

–I kind of figured out too, she says. You changed so suddenly, and like– yeah, I know, I could just tell it I guess.

–I was, Tyler says. I've been acting like a girl for so long that I'm afraid people won't take me seriously.

–Well, I do, Jenna says.

–That kind of stuff happens, Ashley says. Transgender people don't always know since they're kids, even if that's all the TV shows you'll watch will tell you. That happens too, but it's not necessarly like that.

–It's ok, Jenna says.

And Tyler wants to cry, again, just like when he told Josh, and he feels so guilty for believing one second that his wonderful friends would reject him, because they've always been so supportive for anything, they still are and they always be.

Jenna gives him a sidehug from her chair.

–It's ok, she repeats. You're valid. You're a boy, and it's ok. And you're not alone.

–I'm proud of you, Ashley says. I'll always be.

He really is crying now.

–Thank you, he says.

 

★

halsey (10:55pm) : this is gonna sound rly silly now bc i should have asked before but i forgot

halsey (10:55pm) : how do we call u ?

queen jenna (10:56pm) : oh crap i totally forgot too

halsey (10:56pm) : it's ok if you're still fine with your birth name i'll still use he/him pronouns

queen jenna (10:57pm) : same just want to make sure

ana (10:58pm) : what did i do to deserve you

queen jenna (10:58pm) : be your awkward self

queen jenna (10:59pm) : which sounds enough to be my friend

tyler (11:01pm) : it's tyler

tyler (11:01pm) : my name

halsey (11:02pm) : i like it it suits you

queen jenna (11:03pm) : yeah i like tyler too

queen jenna (11:03pm) : sounds badass and all

tyler (11:04pm) : thank you so much

halsey (11:04pm) : you're welcome, tyler

★

–Are you ok ?

The question comes out of nowhere from Tyler's mouth while he and Josh are checking records at the store. Josh looks at him with a confused look in his eyes.

–Why are you asking me that ?

–I feel like I always talk about me, and I don't really know what's going on with you. I mean, if you have problems and you want to talk about it. I don't want this to be like, a one way thing.

Then Josh smiles. His fucking smile.

–You're adorable, he says.

–I'm not.

–Yes, you are.

Josh is chasing the « R » section. He pulls out a Rage Against the Machine album.

–I'm fine, Josh says. And don't you worry about you taking too much place, ok ? From all the time we talked all night, I must have told you as much about me as you told me about you.

–Yeah, I know. But I'm always shoving my problems into your face and it's not fair.

Josh puts down the CD and gets closer to Tyler, pulling him for a hug.

–I'm fine, Josh says. I'll tell you if I'm not, ok ?

Tyler wants to believe he is. Because if Josh is not feeling good, he doesn't know if he's able to be as good as him ; he desperataly wants to be there for him, but he doesn't know if he could help with anything. He wishes he could be a better person for him.

–Ok, he says.

★

Tyler still sings in his basement, still writes songs he works on with Josh. He knows he's not ready to show them to the world, because of his voice, but he likes to think that one day, it will be possible. They would make it not only about themselves, but also about others. If he's going to disappoint his mother, father and siblings as well as the rest of the family, he hopes he could at least help some people.

★

jishwa (9:21pm) : tyler

you (9:22pm): josh

jishwa (9:24pm) : i think i am having a panick attack

you (9:24pm) : oh my god shit

jishwa (9:24pm) : it's not a big deal i just want to talk to someone

jishwa (9:26pm) : nothing bad happened i just had a conversation with my mother and she wasn't even yelling at me but she told me how better my situation would be if i was studying and she doesn't understand why i couldn't just pick something to work on like everyone else

jishwa (9:26pm) : and i told her i was working on music and she told me i would never make music for a living

jishwa (9:27pm) : and i'm in my room now but i'm kind of freaking out i don't even know

jishwa (9:27pm) : i know it's not important and stuff you know but yeah

you (9:27pm) : ok breathe

you (9:28pm) : like lay on your bed and try to breathe

you (9:28pm) : let it go

you (9:29pm) : i don't know shit about life and how it is gonna be later but you're so talented and you love what you do so freaking much i've never seen someone beat the crap out of their drums like that

you (9:29pm) : and hey, you said yourself my music was good, so imagine us teaming up on stage

you (9:30pm) : we would be awesome

you (9:35pm) : are you ok ?

you (9:35pm) : remember to breathe

jishwa (9:37pm) : thank you

jishwa (9:37pm) : thank you tyler

you (9:38pm) : do you want me to call you

jishwa (9:39pm) : i don't think i can talk right now

you (9:40pm) : that's nothing you don't have to

you (9:40pm) : i'll sing for you

jishwa (9:42pm) : ok

★

–Hey Josh, Tyler says in the phone.

Josh doesn't answer, but he can hear him breathe too fast.

–I don't like singing in my room because Zack can hear me from his room and basically everyone can come in, but I'm going to do it anyway because I'm nice like that.

Josh lets out a soft laugh between shattered breaths.

–This isn't even going to be one of our songs, Tyler says, grabbing his ukulele and putting his phone down. Just listen, ok ?

Tyler begins to strum the first chord of Can't Help Falling In Love. He's never been thinking of anybody in particular while singing this song. He's never been able to write love songs, either ; it's strange because it isn't like he hasn't ever had a crush on anyone. But before, he's never been on anyone enough to write a song about them ; it wasn't important enough to write about it. Josh is important, but Tyler feels like he doesn't have the right words yet. Even if he had, he wouldn't show him ; perhaps it would mean too much.

Elvis should do, for now. Maybe it will mean something to him when he sings him to Josh, but not to Josh since somebody else wrote the song. He doesn't want him to know, not yet ; but right now, he doesn't even think about it. He just wants his friend to calm down, just want him to feel better. He doesn't even care about his voice, right now. It doesn't sound like he would want it to, but it doesn't matter. He just wants Josh to be ok.

He takes his phone back in his hand when he's finished.

–That's it, he says.

Somehow, he knows that Josh is breathing better now. He doesn't speak right after.

–Thank you, Josh eventually whispers.

–Are you feeling better ? Tyler says.

He feels silly. He would have liked to do something really effective, not only sing in his crappy voice ; how pretentious does he have to be to believe Josh could feel better just by hearing him sing ?

–Kinda, Josh says.

There is a moment when nobody says a thing.

–Can you sing something else ? Josh asks, his voice still a little bit broken.

So maybe he really is helping.

–Yes, he says. Of course.

He hopes so.

 ★

A few minutes after Tyler hang up with Josh this evening, Tyler's mom knocked at his door.

–I hope you haven't forget about tomorrow's family gathering, she says. I'm saying that because it's still early, but we have to be at your grandma's at twelve and I know you and your siblings are going to have trouble both getting up and getting ready, so you better go to bed early to have time getting yourself prepared.

The truth is, he had totally forgot. He wouldn't have been so relaxed (well, as much as he could be) all evening otherwise.

So there he is, the day after, trying to pick one dress to wear for her grandmother's birthday. He had to wear a dress, of course, because it's how things go, and grandma had a cardiac arrest when she saw his short hair at Christmas, so he better look as feminine as he could. Maddie said she would do his make-up, since he barely could put one some, even before the short hair, the secret pronouns and the name only three people on earth knew about.

He can do it, he tells himself. He can do it, look like a real girl, just for one day. That's nothing. It's not even like he hates dresses and make up so much ; he's pretty sure he could put some on with no problem if he had a flat chest and some stubble on his face. It would look more right.

He can do it. He can be a girl, today.

But he can't be a girl his whole life, can he ? He knows he can't.

When they're in the car, he thinks about texting Josh ; talking with him always helps him go through what's scaring him. But he can't do that right now. Josh still needs to take care of himself, even if he's probably feeling better by now. But oh boy, Tyler feels so guilty for all the times he sent panicked texts to Josh because damn, Josh had to deal with his own stuff too and he never said anything about it, always helped Tyler calm down. Maybe he was panicking too, some of the times he helped him, maybe he had to contain his own anxiety just so Tyler could feel better, and Tyler was so fucking selfish for always rely on him like that.

He thinks about texting Ash or Jenna, too, but it would be the same ; not exactly, since both talk to him about their problems when they need to, but Tyler doesn't even want to bother anyone with that kind of stuff. Who was he to whine about being a girl ? He should just accept it, go back to his other name and stop bothering everyone with that.

Shit, he's going to cry. He's going to cry out all the make up his little sister has managed to put on his face, his voice too soft to be his. He looks at the black thights covering his legs, the deep green shade of his dress. It has long sleeves, so nobody would notice the scars that were starting to heal but would never really go away. He feels dumb for doing what he did. Would he have to wear long sleeves all his life, now ? Would he have to wear dresses ? It's a pretty dress. Why does he wants to throw up, if it's such a pretty dress ?

When they get out of the car, Mom makes a comment about how he should wear things like that more often.

–You're really pretty, Anathema, she says. It's a shame you don't wear things that show your beauty.

–I'm fine, thanks, Tyer says, trying to not sound too much cold.

–You keep wearing these oversized sweaters and t-shirt you bought with your friends, but you never want to buy anything when we're shopping together.

 _That's because you'd think I'm fucking insane if I showed you the shirts I want to try, because they're in the fucking men section and that wouldn't be right._ He's been hiding the skeleton jacket for a while, now, and it doesn't even look gendered, but what if he came back with button-ups and larger jeans ?

Grandma still has round eyes when she sees her by the door.

–You cut your hair again ? She says. I thought you were going to let it grow long again.

Tyler doesn't understand. Then his mother speaks.

–She won't listen to me, she sighs.

Oh, right. Maybe she told everyone Tyler was going back to normal.

–If I wanted it to be long, I wouldn't have got it cut in the first place, he says.

Tyler prides himself in Zack's little laugh behind him, because yeah, it looks freaking obvious when said like that. Sometimes, Tyler would think about people and if he was going to lose them or not, if they knew ( _when they know_ ). Zack was probably the one he feared losing the most, but also maybe one of the only people (besides Josh, Ash and Jenna, but they already knew so it wasn't really an issue anymore) who was likely to accept and support him. Not that he knew anything about Zack being aware of the existence of transgender people in the real world, because Tyler himself had a hard time figure out thatit could happen in another context than a fucking MTV show, or in Las Vegas, or anywhere far away from his life. But it feels to him like Zack has always seen him like he really was. When they were younger, they often went to play with the other kids from neighbouring houses, which were all boys. One day, one of them pointed out that it was weird for a girl to always hang out with them, not with other little girls. Zack hit him in the face and told him to never call his sister weird again. It wasn't even a big deal, but he hit him, and the kid was too confused to even think about punch him back.

Zack would always give Tyler one of his sweaters when it was cold outside and he had nothing warm left to wear, telling him that « man, you rock in this one ». Zack told him his new haircut was fucking badass and that he was glad he had the guts to chop all of his hair off. Zack had never tried to make Tyler become someone he wasn't, because he was his _sister_ and it was just all fine, so maybe he could be his brother, too.

It would be easy, if his whole family was like him, if everyone could just take things how they were without trying to make them how they wanted to be.

–So, how's school, kids ?

Here comes the great question.

They are now sitting at the table, waiting for their grandfather to come with the food. Tyler's aunt, her husband and their kids were there too, but the said kids were much younger than him, Zack or even Jay and Maddie, and they were playing in the living room, waiting for their parents to call them when the food would be here.

–Zack's working hard for his last year in highschool, Mom says.

Zack looks at Tyler and rolls his eyes, both because he's not working hard at all and because he hates when their mother talk for them. Tyler smiles at him in a sign of approval.

–Maddie still is the better of her class, and Jay's been doing better, she continues. And I guess Ana's just going her best too, but she doesn't even talk about it with us.

–There's just not much to say, Tyler says.

It's always better than saying that he doesn't attend any of his classes anymore. He knows he's eventually going to have a discussion (more like an argument) about that with his parents, but he doesn't think this is the right time, or the right place.

–You rocked your mid-terms, though, his dad says.

They're always so proud telling everyone their kids were succeeding in life. What are they going to tell people about him when he finally spills the beans ? This kind of disease doesn't happen in their house. Everything is perfect, everyone is doing their best, everyone is living a good life.

–Yeah, he says.

The day goes pretty fast, surprisingly. Everyone just keeps talking and eating. Zack would make sarcastic comments in Tyler's ear sometimes, when Mom told about how much he seemed to want to quit highschool and go to college and how much he was going to study, because Zack sure isn't only going to study. He took the occasion to ask Tyler a couple more questions about college he had already been asking him last year. Mostly about parties and girls, more than studying. Tyler couldn't tell about girls, but he had been in a bunch of parties and it was alarming how he knew more about that than real college stuff.

When they finished eating the cake, Mom and Dad offered to clean the plates instead of just letting the grandparents doing it. Without really knowing why, Tyler offered to help too. Maybe he was just afraid of his grandmother asking more questions about how he was going to be an english teacher, or telling him how much of a pretty girl he had become. Mom and Dad weren't really less stressful, actually, so that wasn't going to be any better, but anyway.

–You're a good girl, his dad says, handing him a clean plate for him to dry it off. I don't think I've said that enough to you. You always try your best to help your mother in the house, which is not that common for a teenager, you know. We're lucky to have you.

God, they're going to be so sad, when they know. They're never going to get over it. It will be like he – _she_ was dead. Their Ana. Their daughter. Their _good girl_.

–That's nothing, he says. That's a normal thing to do.

–You're father's right, Mom says. I know we've been pretty strict for your whole education, and you know that's because we want the best for you, but don't forget we're so proud to have a daughter like you.

–I'm not a girl, Tyler says.

He doesn't know why he said that. He didn't even think before speaking. Maybe it's because they keep repeating girl, daughter, woman, and it is wrong, wrong, wrong. Maybe it's because he drank a little bit of champagne before dinner, and it wasn't the best of ideas considering he didn't eat anything yesterday and this morning. Maybe it's just because he can't stand it anymore, pretending. He'd pretended to himself for too long, and now that he knew, he couldn't anymore.

–What ?

So silly. He wasn't even sure about himself a few months ago, how can he spill everything like that ? He should have waited a bit longer, should have thought about a better way to talk about it. Maybe a real discussion, planned and all, not only some words spit in his grandparent's kitchen while they were washing dirty dishes. But he couldn't.

He couldn't.

–I'm not a girl, he repeats, because now that he said it, he can't find himself excuses anymore and if he's screwed anyway, he better say everything now because he's not sure he'll find the courage another time. I never was.

–I don't understand, Mom says in a trembling voice.

–I'm a boy. I don't look like one, heaven knows I want to, but I'm a boy. And I'm tired of acting like I was ok with everyone thinking I'm not.

He expected tears coming out of his eyes and his voice cracking and him not being able to pronounce a sentence without stopping, but he's surprisingly calm right now. He can feel the tears coming, though. He already regrets. He's going to cry for a while, after, hes going to regret for even longer.

But he had to, didn't he ?

–Why are you saying such things ? Dad asks, trying to act like everything was normal, like it was a casual discussion, and it makes Tyler so angry because he's trying to say something important but they're not listening, they're never listening.

–Because it's true, dad. I'm a boy and I wanted to tell you because you're my parents and you should know and I really want both of you to accept this and I know you won't but I just–

–Stop saying that, Mom says.

Her voice is cold now. That's when the tears start to fill up Tyler's eyes. But he doesn't cry ; not yet.

–Saying what ?

–That you're a boy.

–But it's the truth.

–No, it's not, Mom says. There are no such things like girls being boys and boys being girls. And if you've been influenced by anyone around you or on TV, you must know that these people are just seeking attention.

–Oh, and how do you know that so well ? You're not in my skin, you don't fucking know how it feels to get up in the morning and just try to breathe while you're preparing to hear everyone call you by the wrong name, to want to rip your breasts off your chest and just wear the clothes you want to wear without anyone asking you why you want to look like a boy so much. That's because I'm a b–

The slap is fast and unexpected. When Tyler turns his head back to his mother, his cheek slowly starting to ache after the shock, he doesn't even know what he should be reading on her face. Anger. Sadness. Disappointement. Shame. None of these or all at once.

–Why are you doing this ? His dad asks, but not to Mom ; to him. Why do you need to make yourself problems when you could just enjoy your life the way it is ?

He must not cry. Not cry. Not cry not cry not cry.

–This is my life, he says, but his voice sounds weak now, not as determined as it was thirty seconds ago. That's the way it is. That's me, being a boy, and hating myself because I don't look like one.

He looks into the eyes of both of his parents.

–This is my life.

And then he gets out of the kitchen.

And of the house.

–Anathema Joseph, where do you think you're going ?! He hears his mother yell by the door.

She will probably make up some silly story, say he was feeling really bad and called a friend to pick him up and drive him home. She would never say the truth. She wouldn't even believe it herself. His dad would joke about young people being so unpredictable and they would all drink some wine, going back to their quiet, normal lives.

Tyler doesn't answer.

He doesn't even look back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are kinda harsh for tyler, but i guess there are some consequences trying to be your real self, you know. this is not even about gender, but about everything.
> 
> things get better. i hope you're all okay. you all send me comments telling me how much you can relate to this story and i'm so glad it hits home to you.


	8. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And sometimes Tyler wonder why he complains about his family not being there for him enough because they are his family too, and God, he's so thankful for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finals haven't even started and i'm already tired of studying. kill me.

 

–Hello ?

–Jenna, I– I don't know where I am I ran out of a family gathering and I just walked without thinking and I don't know how to go home and I don't want to go– I don't know what to–

–Ok, Tyler, breathe. Calm down. I'm coming to pick you up, ok ? We're gonna try to find out where you are. Can you like, use the localisation on your phone.

–Shit, I didn't even think about it.

–Ok, do that and tell me where you are, I'll find out.

–I'm so sorry, Jenna, I–

–Shh, don't apologize. And calm down. Just look up at Google Maps and send me a text, ok ?
    
    
    ★

When Jenna's car stops in front of him, everything Tyler had tried to repress for the last two hours come out. He starts crying at the second he sits next to her and she closes the door. Jenna takes him in his arms, tries to convince him it will be fine. It breaks Tyler's heart, because she doesn't know what happened and yet she's so kind with him. Maybe she knows, actually. Tyler, in a dress, running away from a family gathering may be enough of a hint.

–I told them, Tyler decides to tell her anyway. I told her and they– they didn't– they–

–You told them you were going to stop your studies ? Or the other thing ?

–The other– They didn't even try to understand and–

He doesn't even know how to talk anymore. Jenna holds him tighter, rubbing his back.

–We'll figure something out, she says. I promise, Tyler. We'll find something, and nobody's gonna hold you from being who you are.

Tyler gets up, wiping the tears away from his face. He must look awful. Jenna takes her handbag from the backseat and gets a small pack of tissues out of it.

–Thanks, Tyler says, cleaning his face and blowing his nose.

He doesn't stop crying, though.

–It's not like I had any hope for them to accept it, you know, he says. I knew it was going to be like that. To be honnest, I imagined it way worse than that, but that's probably because I left before it actually could have gone worse. But– they're my parents, and I just wanted them to see me as who I really am, not who they think– even if I actually was a girl, they think I'm so perfect. They want me to be. And I don't want them to think that, that I'm perfect, because I'm not, and I'd rather have them accepting me for my imperfections and they won't understand–

He's sobbing again. Shit.

–They need to learn that, Jenna says. To accept you as you really are. And I think a moment will come when they won't have the choice anymore. And maybe they don't now, accept you, I mean, but... I don't know, I think they still love you and they always will and if they see they have no right or power to change you, they'll learn.

–I don't know, Tyler says. I don't know.

Jenna starts to drive. They don't talk much, because there is nothing else to say and Tyler doesn't want to start crying again since he's finally managed to stop. Then Jenna says.

–I called Josh, by the way.

–What ?

–I thought it would be good for you to see him. Ashley says you seem pretty relaxed when he's around, and I agree.

–Jen, you didn't have to–

–Hey, it's not bothering him. He really cares about you, you know. And it's not that I don't want to take you to my place– I really want to, actually, because I'm concerned and I'd like to make sure you're okay, but I think he's in a better place to do that.

Despite the fact that he's still afraid that yeah, basically, he's bothering Josh, Tyler feels pretty reassured. He closes his eyes, his head resting against the window. He could fall asleep, right now. He doesn't know how much time it's been since he didn't have a full night of sleep. He still holds himself from drowning, though, because there must be ten, fifteen minutes before they arrive at Josh's house. So he stays awake.

★

Josh takes him in his arms right after he opens the door. They're still on the porch, and Tyler starts crying again, and Jenna rests a hand on his back before telling him he can call anytime if he needs her, and he still is in a dress but it doesn't matter. He's safe.

★

–Thanks, Tyler says when Josh hands him hot chocolate.

Josh is one of these people who know exactly what to do to make one (or at least Tyler, he can only speak in his own name) feel better. So do Jenna and Ashley, actually, and sometimes Tyler wonder why he complains about his family not being there for him enough because they are his family too, and God, he's so thankful for them. He will never be enough. He's so thankful for Ashley's beautifoul soul, great ideas and strenght, so thankful for Jenna's kindness, wise words and understanding, so thankful for Josh to be there fo him, to help him be himself, to help him breathe. He wishes it was enough to have them. He wishes that he could forget about his parents and just live his life on his own, with his friends as a family.

It's not that easy.

–I can give you some clothes, if you want to change, Josh says.

_God, Josh._

–It would be nice, Tyler says. I'm feeling quinte uncomfortable.

–Thought so.

He gives Tyler a pair sweatpants and a plain black tee. When Tyler changes in the bathroom and gives a look at himself, he notices that the shirt almost make his boobs disappear. He should buy some things. He would have to wash them himself and wear them outside of the house (he doesn't even want to think about going back home, but he's gonna have to do it at som point), like he does with the skeleton jacket, but he doesn't care. He doesn't have anything to hide now, at least. Even if they don't believe him, even if they think what he says, what he _is,_ is bullshit. Anyway, he'd rather be bullshit than Anathema.

–You want to talk about it ? Josh says when Tyler comes back in the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

He likes Josh rooms. It feels warm and smells like him. It feels safe.

–You don't have to if you don't want to, Josh says before he can answer.

–No, no, Tyler says. 'm gonna talk, don't worry. It's not even that much of a big deal.

_Says the guy who cried in your arms ten minutes ago._

–I told my parents I wasn't a girl, he says, his voice more calm and firm than when he was with Jenna, right after the incident. They kept telling me it wasn't possible, that I was probably an attention whore or something, and I could have explained, I could have like, tried to tell them that yes, it was possible, and there was nothing wrong about it.

–You still got time to do that, Josh says. I mean, you can't really think about explaining things rationnally when someone is denying your identidy. It's just a reflex to get angry, you know.

–Yeah.

–But you can maybe try to have a discussion with them, when you go home. About that. They don't know anything about it, maybe they just need to learn.

–The problem is, I don't think they want to learn anything. They don't want to understand that I'm not a girl, they just want me to be one.

It's so easy for them, to think like that. So easy to think they can make him whatever they want him to be, so easy to look sad when they see he's not their perfect daughter after all, so the guilt hits him in the guts harder and harder as they stare at his wrong, wrong self. They don't want to know how he's feeling and to be honest he's not sure he wants them to know either. He kinda just wants to runaway, because right now, next to Josh, he's right where he wants to be, but he'll have to go home eventually and God, he's not ready for that. He wants to run from this place and find his own and maybe, from then, he would be able to make something up with his life and start to be a real person because Christ, he wasn't for so long he doesn't even know how to.

–You can stay here for a while, you know, Josh says. If you don't feel safe at your parents'. Or if they like– don't want you there, not that it's something I want for you, jeez, no.

–Don't be silly, Tyler says. You live with your parents and three siblings. I'm not gonna stay here.

–I think my mom and dad would be ok with it, you know. My mom always asks about you.

–She doesn't know about me. Having a vagina and shit.

–She doesn't have to.

–I know, but like, I'm still not– looking like a man, even if I might pass as one and– I'd be too afraid for them to find out and–

And it's gonna be _fear_ all over again.

–I don't want to have to hide stuff, again. Done that for too long. I know it's not that easy and you basically always have to hide stuff but–

The truth is, he doesn't know what to do. He's lost, he's so fucking lost, because he wants to go away but he doesn't have any money to get himself a place to live, or any qualifications that would guarentee him a job. If he leaves the house, he's just gonna live under a fucking bridge. He's nothing outside of that house, he's no one at all if not the girl he pretended to be for so long.

–You're right, Josh says, landing a hand on his shoulder. You're right.

Tyler rests his head on Josh, not really thinking about it. He will feel guilty about this, later. He promised himself not to be too affectionate with Josh, not to look too desperate.

–I wish I lived on my own, so I could take you in my flat, Josh says.

–You're too good with me.

–You deserve people to be good with you.

That's not true.

–You have to talk to them, Josh says.

Tyler closes his eyes.

–Yeah, he says.

★

When he gets home, he's still wearing Josh's clothes. He doesn't know if it's a good idea, considering the conversation he's had with his parents a few hours before, but maybe the message will be more clear like this. Of course it won't. It will be worse when he pops up at the door with _boy_ sweatpants, and a _boy_ t-shirt. But Josh told him he could keep them and to be honest, Tyler didn't feel like putting his dress on again. He feels good, in Josh's clothes. He feels safe. Even if he knows the safety won't be for long, because he's going to have to face his mother's yelling, his father's disappointed look. And God, what about his siblings ? Maybe Maddie and Jay will think he's a freak, and Zack, even if he's always been so comprehensive with him, wouldn't know what to think. He already knew he would lose his parents if they knew, but never wondered about his brothers and sister, and not knowing may actually be worse. Is he gonna lose his whole family ?

–For God's sake, where were you ?!

His father looks angry when he opens the door. Tyler knows he's not really. He's concerned. Yelling always has been his way to show it. Tyler doesn't even know if he's frightened, or even worried about anything right now. Maybe he cried too much for the last hours, maybe he's too tired to even care. He knows the worst is to come but he's ready to take it, he's got no energy left to lose.

He hears Mom coming, too. Tyler's still standing outside. His mother repeats Dad's question.

–Jenna picked me up in her car and she drove me at a friend's.

He gets in the house, half ignoring his mom rambling about how worried they were and how irresponsible of him it had been to leave the house and not answer to the phone.

–And what are you wearing ? God, you look like a homeless person.

–My friend gave me some clothes.

He's not even angry anymore. He feels nothing. He knows it will come, later. He knows he's gonna feel so much he'll want to cry, scream, bang his head on the walls, repeat the kitchen sink episode.

–Ana, you can't just leave whenever you want without telling us where you're going, his dad says, a little bit calmer than his mom. Especially after dropping something like this.

–Sorry, Tyler says, not meaning it for a second.

–We were very worried, Dad says. You wouldn't answer your phone and we didn't know where you were–

–I know I shouldn't have left, Tyler says. Maybe I wouldn't have done that if you didn't slap me in the face while I was trying to tell you something important about myself.

Mom finally shuts her mouth ; she's been speaking until now, but he stopped listening at all.

–Why are you doing this ? She finally says.

–You already asked me that, Tyler says. Or Dad did. I don't know. And I told you, for fuck's sake, I'm not _doing_ anything, I'm just _being_ , and you can't stand that because I'm not what you wish I was.

–How can you say this ?

–I can say this because it's true. You don't even try to understand, you don't want to, because it was so much easier when I was who you wanted me to be and now I'm slipping through your fingers and you're both freaking out and you don't even want to understand.

Maybe he should explain. Like, really explain, about gender, about being a boy when you aren't born like one, about that being possible and pretty common. But that's it, he's starting to feel again and anger's starting to surface, and he doesn't know if he can remain calm while talking about that now.

–It happens, you know, he says, trying his best to not just go upstairs and lock himself in his room, because it will never get better this way, and if his parent's don't try, he has to, at least. It happens to not be what your body says you are. And people keep telling you it doesn't exist, and if it does, it's bad, but it's not. I'm still a person.

–But why is it important ? His mom says, in a mocking tone that doesn't help Tyler keep calm. If that changes nothing, why are you making such a big deal of this ?

–Can't you just be a girl ? Dad says.

–No, Tyler says, a little bit cold. No, I can't. Just as you, mom, couldn't be a man, and you couldn't be a woman either.

–It's not the same.

–It is, Mom. You feel like you're a woman, I feel like I'm not. And it's an important part of myself but it doesn't change everything else. It doesn't change the fact that I like writing, playing music and walking in the forest, it doesn't change anything, it doesn't mean that I don't love you or Jay or Maddie or Zack. And I'm still friends with my friends now that they know that about me, that I'm not a girl, because they understand and they don't try to make me think that what I am is bullshit, and I wish so hard that you'd accept that too.

Tyler remembers the night he told Josh. He remembers Josh telling that it changed nothing for him, that he was a _he_ , if it made him happier to be called Tyler, because he still was the one he'd had long conversations on the beach with, he still was the one who wrote the words and chords that made him want to drum to his music. Tyler often thinks about this moment. Holds on to it. When he loses everything, he still will have this moment. Nobody could ever take that from him.

And Tyler finally gets upstairs, because his parents seem to not have anything else to tell him. Maybe they will, later, maybe they're in shock, and to be honest, Tyler can't blame them. He was, too. It took him a while. He didn't want to accept it either, he can't expect people to just get along with it like Josh, Ashley and Jenna did. God, he holds on Ashley and Jenna, too. They're precious, they're so precious.

When he gets into his room, he looks at the new looking glass his mom bought for him a few days ago. His hair has gotten a little bit longer.

He's gonna have to get it cut again.

★

tyler (6:18pm) : i don't think i've ever told you two how much you mattered to me

tyler (6:19pm) : so i'm telling you now, thanks for being my friends and sticking with me and actually existing that's very nice of you

queen jenna (6:21pm) : you're the cutest shit ever

halsey (6:25pm) : actually you did tell me that

halsey (6:25pm) : everytime you're drunk

tyler (6:25pm) : ash

halsey (6:25pm) : kidding bro

halsey (6:26pm) : you're fucking adorable and i love you and you matter to me a lot too

queen jenna (6:26pm) : thank YOU for existing

queen jenna (6:27pm) : i don't think you realize how much you've made my whole life better and you were there everytime i needed you and that makes a lot

halsey (6:27pm) : i only know you for like, one year and i feel like we're spiritually connected because you're so much more than a human being and that amazes me

tyler (6:28pm) : you're gonna break my heart

tyler (6:28pm) : both of you

queen jenna (6:29pm) : good, so that all the beautiful things inside will spill out and you'll write even more amazing songs

tyler (6:29pm) : that was fucking beautiful you're the one that should be writing

halsey (6:30pm) : true, you have a hidden talent jenna i'm jealous

queen jenna (6:30pm) : say the ones that make dope music

queen jenna (6:31pm) : ash you still have to send us the recording of your song

tyler (6:31pm) : you recorded a song ? WHY AM I NOT AWARE OF THAT

halsey (6:31pm) : because i finished it like three hours ago get yourself some patience omg

_halsey sent an audio file : ghost.mp3_

tyler (6:36pm) : i

tyler (6:36pm) : fucking

tyler (6:37pm) : died

queen jenna (6:37pm) : this is so good it sounds like heaven what the actual frick ashley

halsey (6:37pm) : omg guys stop

tyler (6:38pm) : never it's too good

halsey (6:38pm) : love u

tyler (6:38pm) : love u too

queen jenna (6:38pm) : love u all

queen jenna (6:39pm) : now tyler i'm waiting for one of your songs

halsey (6:39pm) : true

tyler (6:39pm) : one day

tyler (6:40pm) : i promise

queen jenna (6:40pm) : take your time

queen jenna (6:40pm) : be ready

halsey (6:40pm) : yeah just keep doing it

tyler (6:40pm) : thanks i love you

★

–I don't believe you, Mom says after dinner.

–What ? Tyler asks.

–When you say you're a boy. I don't believe you.

He wonders if they're always going to have this conversation while he's washing dirty dishes. He wonders how much time he can handle it.

And it's only been a day.

–I told you it happened, Tyler says. To be a boy, even when you're born a girl.

–Maybe, Mom says. But not to you. I did not raise you like that.

And that's exactly what Tyler told Josh a few hours ago : she doesn't want to learn. She doesn't want to know who he is, she just wants him to be Anathema. Tyler knew that, from the beginning, but maybe he still had a little bit of hope left, and it's gone now.

–That's not about– _raising_ me well or not, mom.

She keeps going like he didn't say anything.

–What did I do wrong ? I think I've– I've been a good mother, I've always tried to make sure you're happy. I don't understand why you would think such things of yourself.

–There's nothing wrong with being transgender, mom. The only wrong thing is how people see it.

He wouldn't be afraid of who he was if the whole world hadn't been so hard with people that are different. He wouldn't even have tried to be _normal_. It would all have been easier.

–You're not transgender.

So much easier.

–Sorry, mom, but I know better than you.

He waits for another slap in the face. He's not afraid, no ; he just waits. He doesn't even know why, it's not like his mother is used to hit him in the face, and before today, he can't remember a time one of his parents acted violent, physically. But he waits, and waits, and waits.

–I don't believe you, she says.

★

That night, Tyler prays. It feels like it's been ages, and he doesn't really know why, because it has always helped him, in the past. He's a little bit scared He hates him, now. Even if Tyler doesn't believe that God hates gays, and trans, and all the others, who is he to know that ? _Maybe He hates him_.

–Hello, Tyler says, his hands joined, elbows resting on his bed. We haven't talked in quite sometime. Haven't been the best of sons, lately.

He takes a deep breath.

–I don't know if I should speak to you, he continues. Some would say you'd hate me for what I've become, or what I always was, I don't know. Because you were supposed to make me perfect, and change myself would be a sin, right ? But I'm not blaming you for putting me in a girl's body. Maybe it was meant to be like that, maybe that's part of my education as a human being. And I don't blame you. I really hope you're not upset, because I'm gonna need you.

Does he deserve it ?

–Talking to you always helped me cope with my life and I could really use some help right now. My parents don't even think I'm a living blasphemy or someting, they just won't listen to me and I can't stay here but I don't know what to do. I have to, right ? They don't even know I want to stop my studies. But I'm tired of making efforts to please people when they just won't listen. Is this fair ?

It's not.

–I know I could just accept my body the way it is. I tried, I swear. But I can't. And I need you and please, don't forget about me, I swear I'll be good, I just need to be myself. I need your help.

He spends the rest of the night writing a song about God and the sea and asking for forgiveness. He doesn't know when he's gonna play it.

★

Of course, things don't change. Not after three days, or a week. Zack knocks at his door.

–Hey, he says, walking in his room with two cookies on a plate. We're not supposed to take these without asking or even to eat in our rooms but I felt ready to risk it.

His brother's grin warms Tyler's heart.

–Thanks, Zack, he says, taking one of the cookies.

They spend a minute or two in silence, eating their treats.

–What's going on with Mom and Dad ? Zack eventually asks. If you actually want to talk about it. They can be stubborn fuckers sometimes, and I feel that it's more about them treating you like shit for no particular reason than you doing something wrong.

_Both_ , Tyler thinks. Because maybe Zack thinks being what he is is wrong, too. Tyler tries to catch his own breath ; it feels like he's been losing it a lot, these times.

–Remember Grandma's birthday ? Tyler says.

–I told them something about myself, and they reacted very badly. That's what I left.

–Are you a lesbian ? Kinda wondering about that since you've cut your hair. And that's totally ok, by the way.

–No, not a lesbian.

Zack quietly waits.

–I'm a boy, Tyler eventually says.

It takes two or three seconds for Zack to react.

–What, you mean you've had a dick this whole time ?

Tyler bursts in laughter. It's nervous, probably, and Zack didn't even mean to joke, he just doesn't understand, but he's already half-relieved that he's more confused than hateful.

–No, no, Tyler says, calming himself. I mean I– _feel_ like a boy. I'm anatomically a girl but I'm not one– inside my head, you know ?

–So, you're trans ?

–I guess, yeah.

Zack seems to take a little time to process the information. Tyler is still a little bit scared, but not that much, because his brother's expression still isn't showing any disgust, just confusion, and lord, he can relate to that.

–You know, Zack says, my friends are always saying shit about gays, and transsexual people. They would call them fags and I would laugh to that and go along with it, but I always feel kinda guilty because I don't mean that. I don't think it's a bad thing, to be gay, or to feel like a girl when you're a boy, or like a boy when you're a girl. I just don't– understand it, because I'm a boy and I've never felt otherwise and I like girls, but if people feel happy in other ways that I do, I guess it's ok, you know ? And people keep repeating that God hates fags and that they'll burn in hell but why would they for just, wanting to be happy ?

Shit, Tyler's gonna cry again.

–I can't promise you I'll get used to it very fast because, you're my big sister, and even if you've never been like Maddie and we used to play with boys, I kinda kept this information, Zack continues. That you're my sister. But I can try and– if Mom and Dad won't understand, I will try to, at least. If that's ok for you.

God, of course that's ok. Zack can still call him his big sis', still call him Ana, he has the right to, because at least, he accepts, and he only wants him to be happy and shit, Tyler feels so blessed again.

He's not alone. He has Josh and Ash and Jen and now Zack and _he's not alone_.

–Of course, Tyler says, his voice trembling a little bit. You're gonna make me cry, you little shit.

Zack gives him a sidehug and kisses his forehead. He would always do that to annoy him since he's gotten taller than him, the year of his fifteen's.

–Do you want me to talk to them ? Zack offers. I don't know how much you've been trying to explain and you're probably in a better position than me to like, inform them, but maybe if they see I have no problem with that... ?

–Nah, Tyler says, wiping a tear away from his right eye. Don't want you to get in trouble. They're already disappointed in me, I don't want them to think I've taken you in the dark side.

–Don't need you to do that, tho. They would be disappointed if they knew more about me. I just have to, you know, keep a low profile.

–What did you do, again ?

–Had sex with Amanda a month ago. And we're not married, do you imagine.

–Congrats. At least she's your girlfriend.

–Why, did you hook up with that much random people ?

–Only two or three, but one is enough, you know.

Zack laughs. It feels soft, again. Maybe happiness is not that far.

–Are we going to keep counting our sins or do you wanna play Mario Kart with me ? Zack says.

Tyler smiles.

–Mario Kart, he says. Definitely.
    
    
    ★

–It's Tyler, by the way, he drops in the middle of a race.

–What ?

–My name. Anathema doesn't sound really manly, and I never liked it anyway, so I decided to pick another one.

–Nice. Zack and Tyler sounds like a cool squad.

–A two men squad. Great.

Zack laughs. Meanwhile, Tyler finishes the line, beating him.

–Yeah. Great.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, important talk here friends. this story is about being transgender, falling in love but i mostly focus on tyler's relationship with his friends, including josh even if he's in love with him and you all know they're gonna end up together, and zack even if he's his brother, but like, yeah, friendship. my family never felt like home to me. like, of course i love them, of course i care about them, but i never could rely on what i had with them because it didn't feel true, what we had. i still live at my parent's and my relationship with them isn't too poisonous, actually it's kinda good when it's not a bad day. but it still doesnt feel like home.
> 
> my friends feel like home. my friends are the foster i've been looking for all these years and i will never thank them enough for just being here, being their precious selves.
> 
> it hurts when you family doesn't feel like one; but you have the right to build your own. and i don't mean necessarily get married and make kids. your friends can be a family. if you haven't found the right ones yet, it will come. you're still young, still have plenty of things to do and plenty of people to meet; you'll find out eventually. i promise.
> 
> stay alive. it gets better.


	9. eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now he's ready to take the hit, and he didn't think he could stand up in front of his parents like this one day because he's always been the good kid, didn't ever say something against their will even when it hurt. He may have said silly shit when he was a bit younger because that's what teenagers do, but he never did that, like this. But he's ready to face them, now ; maybe he won't be anymore, after that, so he takes the chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been re-reading this story to like, do something coherent, since shit's beginning to happen, and i know i don't proofread but oh god how can you stand me. so many ugly mistakes. 
> 
> sorry for the delay, again. life's been harsh these times. not very happy with this chapter, but i hope you'll like it anyway.

Sometimes, Tyler fools himself into believing that things could go well, after all. Because sometimes, Mom doesn't make any remarks about his behavior, or his hair, and sometimes, Dad makes jokes during dinner and everyone laughs and for a second, it feels safe again, and Tyler thinks that maybe, he could talk to them about the studies too instead of sneaking into Josh's house and wandering in town when he's supposed to go to class. They don't ask questions about « what happened at grandma's » anymore, so maybe they've accepted it, maybe he can talk about it again and maybe this time, it will be better.

That's not true, and he knows it. He wishes, but it's not. Maybe it will be ok, one day, but to be honest he doesn't even hope about that most of the time. At least he's got Zack on his side, at home, when Mom suggests for the thousandth time that he should let his hair grow long again, it was so beautiful, also why don't you wear dresses anymore Ana you looked so pretty in them. Tyler doesn't say anything, and Zack doesn't say anything, because both know nothing will change and talking would make it worse. But at least, he knows that Zack doesn't think he's a weirdy. And even if Tyler wants to vomit, when she says that, because it means she has just decided to forget that he told her he was a boy, she chosed to ignore he opened up to her, maybe not in the best way, but he _did_ , and God how can she just forget that ?

When he got his parents reaction, Tyler expected having to leave the house or something, because they wouldn't want him anymore after that. But this is worse ; this is them trying to make him become who they want him to be as they always did, by acting like nothing happened, this is them trying to bring Ana back by denying Tyler and this is so much worse. It isn't _really_ , he knows that ; he knows that most kids would have preffered that to being kicked out from their home. It's selfish of him, to make his situation seem _that_ bad, because it's not, but it hurts and he just wants to go away–

One day, it gets too much.

–You got your hair cut again ? Mom says.

Gosh, and Tyler thought _he_ had a fixation on his hair.

–Yeah, he says, automatically bringing his hand to the shaved sides of his head, maybe because he still needs to get adjusted to the feeling, or maybe it's out of nervosity.

Ash did it, this time. The buzzing. She cuts her hair by herself since she's thirteen and she's had a sidecut when she was fifteen, so he kinda trusted her on that. He's pleased with the result ; to be honest, he's kinda relieved, when he buzzes it again. Sometimes he believes that if he waits too long before getting it cut, he will look like a girl again.

It's silly, because he _always_ does.

–Such a shame, Dad says. Such a shame.

Tyler doesn't say anything, because this is something that comes back at least two or three times a week and he can handle, definitly, even if it's really becoming annoying.

–I feel like you did that to prove yourself something, Mom says. I can't see another reason.

–Or maybe I just like it that way.

–You don't have anything to prove, you know. You don't have to look different to be special. You're already special. You're a unique girl.

Something in Tyler cracks. Not the first time since they know, either. That too, he can handle. He just has to breathe.

–I don't want to prove anything, he says, as calm as he can remain. I just like the way I look better than when I had long hair. And dresses.

–Well that's weird, because you looked better before.

–Thank you, Tyler says in a mocking voice.

–I still don't know what happened to you, Dad says. You changed so fast and–

–I already told you what happened– Christ, it isn't even something that _happened_ , we did talk about this and I could ignore the fact that you're totally denying what I said to you if you weren't bringing back the subject of my hair, or my clothes, everytime you have the occasion, but I told you–

–What, that you were «  _not a girl_ » ? Dad says, in an almost mocking tone and shit, Tyler almost wants to punch him in the face. Ana, please.

 _I'm not Ana_.

–Please what, dad ?

–Please, stop your... _nonsense_ , now. Your mom said it. You don't need to do that kind of stuff to feel special.

–Why do you two keep thinking this is some kind of sick joke ?

–Because it's not possible, Ana ! Her mom says, her voice beginning to get louder, and oh, Tyler knows exactly where this is going, and it's not any better.

 _I'm not Ana,_ he thinks. _I'm not Ana_.

–You think I'd pretend all this and have you constantly saying that what I am doesn't exist, reminding me that you hate my hair or the way I dress or the way I _am_ , just so I could feel _special_? You really think I'd do that and watch you looking at me as I was shit ?

–You don't talk to us like this, _Ana._

–I'm not Ana, Tyler says before he can think about it, his rage still bottled up but trying to escape through his words. This is not my name.

–Listen– Dad says, but Tyler cuts him.

–No, _you_ listen. Since the beginning, you refuse to listen, you don't even want to understand, and– I know it's not easy and I'm not even asking you to call me by the right name, or the right pronouns, because sometimes I can't even do it myself. It's– confusing but that's who I am and it fucking kills me that you think I'm just some kind of attention whore, but I'm gonna tell you something : nobody wants to pretend they're trans. Or gay. Or anything people don't want to hear about. Nobody wants to live in fear.

The worst is not when they're yelling. Oh, no ; this is worse. Their disappointed looks on him, their looks that still don't want to understand. Tyler doesn't know if he wants to hear what's to come. He doesn't regret saying what he said, though. He doesn't even think he did that bad. He always was a good kid, never went against his parents opinions, but they are _against him_ now, and nobody except himself can defend him.

He's gonna regret, of course. He knows it.

–What did we do wrong ? Mom says, and Tyler doesn't know if what's in her voice sounds like sadness, disgust, confusion or all at once. We raised you like a girl, you grew up like every other little girl because that's what we had to do.

–That's not– Education shouldn't even have gender, Mom. And this isn't about– something you've done. It's just... _me_ , ok ? It's who I am, and as I said I understand that this is confusing but I'd like you trying to understand. At least. Trying to accept.

His voice is a little calmer, now. So little. He hates it, his voice, when it's like that, because he can't force on it with his parents and it sounds like Anathema and he hates hit, but besides that, for one second, he thinks that things could actually go better, right now. Maybe they will realize this is important, maybe they will see this is real, maybe they will try.

–And you ? Dad says, voice firm. Have you tried not being like this ?

Tyler doens't look at him in the eyes. That's when he remembers he's _weak_.

–I've tried all my life, Dad, he says. But I don't have to try, I can just be myself–

–That's wrong, Mom says. That's just you wanting to be a misfit.

–I'm not trying to be–

–No that's your time to listen, young girl. We had no choice but to get used to your hair, and yet I'm not even forcing you to let it grow. We accept a lot of things, including you hanging out with this Ashley girl, God knows what kind of twisted things she's into, going at parties and coming home in boy's clothes.

–You dont _accept_ it. You point out every single thing I do that's not going in your direction.

–Because it's inappropriate ! We're doing everything we can so you can have a good life, and you thank us doing _that_?

–Oh, because now I am doing something to you. Great.

–Your mother and me are very concerned about you, Dad says.

Yeah. Concerned. _Bullshit_.

–If you were concerned, really, you would try, at least, Dad. You're concerned about yourselves, not me.

–You have to stop that, Anathema, Mom says.

And shit, he really is angry now so maybe he should stop trying at all, since they don't try themselves.

–You gave me that name because you thought I would be _different,_ but now it's a problem that I actually am different ? Or maybe you named me like that because you knew you were gonna hate me, since that's what it means–

–STOP IT !

They've been arguing for a while now, but that's the first time today someone actually yells. Tyler is frozen in front of them. He's not afraid, no ; not even surprised. This had to happen. He's just waiting for her to keep going, to spill. And two minutes ago, he was hoping, expecting, almost, that it would get better. Now he's ready to take the hit, and he didn't think he could stand up in front of his parents like this one day because he's always been the _good kid,_ didn't ever say something against their will even when it hurt. He may have said silly shit when he was a bit younger because that's what teenagers do, but he never did that, like this. But he's ready to face them, now ; maybe he won't be anymore, after that, so he takes the chance.

–That little game of yours stops now, she says. Everything was fine before you decided you absolutely had to become a _freak_ to feel like you were someone, but you don't need that and you know it. So you're gonna stop. You're gonna go back to who you were, because that's who you really are, not this boyish mess you're trying to look like.

Tyler wonders if she's gonna regret these words, one day, but to be honest with himself, they don't even hurt anymore. He knows they're going to, later.

–Or what, mother ? He says.

–Or you leave this house, Dad says.

Mom doesn't even look surprised.

 _Oh._ So that's it, then. Have they discussed that before ? Have they planned this in case their batshit crazy freak of a daughter decided to bring up the subject of her twisted fake identity back ? To be honest, he did think about it too, since Josh had said he could stay with him, but it was not possible and even if it was, the situation wasn't so bad and Tyler could stand it. Turns out his mom and dad couldn't.

–And where would I go ? He says, not really expecting an answer.

–We don't want you to, his dad says. Really, sweetie, we don't have to reach that point, you just have to–

–Be someone I'm not, of course.

He has to be someone he's not, be the perfect daughter they can show off at dinners. Look how they succeeded, look what beautiful family they have.

–Please, Ana, Mom says. We don't want you to go. All you have is going back to normal. You were so much happier.

–Nah, Mom. _You_ were happier.

He's being dumb. Of course he could pretend, at least until he gets a proper job and the possibility to live on his own. They leave him the choice to stay or not, and he probably should stay, at least for the tons of kids that were kicked out from their houses without being given any choice.

–I'm leaving tonight, he says.

★

He does. They try to convince him, but if he's honest with himself, he has been looking for an occasion to run away for way too long now, and he feels like if he doesn't do it now, he's never going to.

And he needs to go. Oh god, he needs to. He doesn't know where, but he'll find out. It's probably a bad, bad idea and maybe he'll come back in one hour, realizing how « lucky » he is, maybe he'll learn to be patient and let his hair grow again until he can leave the house properly, but right now, he doesn't care. At least, he would have tried.

Tyler packs up a few things in a big bag, but not even that much. He takes a few jeans, t-shirts, socks and underwear, a sweater he's stolen from Zack and the skeleton hoodie. A few books, a toothbrush, his notebook, his laptop. His ukulele, of course. Some more important stuff he doesn't want to forget. He thinks one second about leaving his keyboard here, but there's no way he lets a part of what's helping him stay alive here, so he gets down in the basement and takes ages packing it, but he manages to put it under his arm in an awkward way, the bag hanging on his other shoulder.

He says a quick goodbye to his siblings, and shit, he hadn't thought about them, but he'll figure out, because things are going too fast right now and he can't afford thinking too much because if he does he's gonna stop and he has to go, he has to run, run, run. He kisses Maddie, hugs Jay, and none of them understands. Zack does, maybe, because Zack knows. He hugs him too, and tells him he'll explain later.

Then he leaves.

 

★

 

He walks as long as he can before putting his stuff on the floor and sitting on the sidewalk, turns out the keyboard feels very heavy, very fast. The good thing is, his mind is still working very fast too. He doesn't know where that comes from, though ; doesn't know if he can call that adrenaline. Maybe. He doesn't feel angry, or sad right now. Doesn't even feel scared, which is something coming from someone who's litteraly a ball of anxiety most of the time. But no matter what he's feeling, he'll figure out later ; the thing is, yeah, he's _thinking_ , but not enough to make him regret his decision. Just enough to think about the only person he's close to who doesn't live at their parents and can actually welcome him for a night or two without getting in trouble.

–Hello ?

Thanks God, she answers fast, too. Seems like everything is too fast, tonight.

–Hey, Ash, Tyler says.

–Hey buddy. What's up ?

His mind still doesn't slow down but he's slowly starting to realize how stupid this situation is, how ashamed he feels to ask Ash to take him under her roof just because he couldn't stand his parents being ignorant. He considers hanging up the phone, or just saying something convenient, like « nothing in particular, was just bored, what are you doing ».

But maybe he's starting to feel a little scared, after all, because he doesn't do that. The adrenaline, or whatever it is, is slowly going away.

–My parents told me if I didn't go back to being a girl, I had to leave the house, he said. So I. Did leave the house.

–Oh my god ?? Are you ok ?

–Yeah, don't worry, I'm like– somewhere on the sidewalk of my neighbourhood with my keyboard and a bag next to me. It looks ridiculous. I should go back–

–Tyler.

–Yes.

–You called me for something, right ?

–Look, Ashley, that was a bad idea, I wasn't thinking–

–Great. Keep not thinking, because I'm coming to get you. You'll tell me stuff about not wanting to bother me and being sorry for being such a selfish brat later. Can you walk until the bus station ?

–I... I think so.

–Ok. I'm coming as soon as I can.

Ashley hangs up.

 

★

 

While he's waiting for Ashley to come, at the bus station, he starts _feeling_ again.

When he gets into her car after putting his keyboard on the backseat and his bag on his knees, adrenaline goes away.

He cries.

 

 

★

 

He's still crying when they arrive at Ash's appartment. They decided that the keyboard would wait, because none of them has enough energy to climb three floors carrying it. The stairs are hard enough for tonight, because Ashley's just tired in general and Tyler isn't really handling his thoughts and feeling getting back in place. Half an hour ago, he was ready to face the world and leaving the house seemed like the best idea ever ; he was thinking too fast for his brain to even process, he just knew that he had to leave, right now. He didn't even ask himself where he would go untill he called Ash.

He feels very stupid now, sobbing in the middle of Ash's room with a blanket she put on his shoulders.

–Here, Ashley says when she comes back from the small kitchen two mugs in her hands. It will help you calm down, maybe. And sleep.

He thanks her between two sobs, then gets burnt trying to drink the tea.

–Holy crap, Ty, Ash says, and he cries even more because she called her _Ty_ and that's adorable. You look like you haven't slept in days.

Not very far from the truth, actually. He has slept, but he always falls asleep at some early morning hour and wakes up a few later to pretend he's going to class. He's tried having naps, but his family's big and it's not easy sleeping when you're constantly hearing your mom's footsteps, your brother's music or your sister's door banging.

God, his family. He didn't think about them, either, and he's so _stupid_ – he was so angry he didn't care leaving them behind too but now that he thinks about it, Maddie's eyes were so sad and Jay looked so full of « I don't understand » and Zack, God, Zack who may be the only one who's figure out why Tyler left, but even to him, he should have explained. They deserved that, at least. He wouldn't really leave them, of course ; not being in the house didn't mean never seeing them, and he should maybe take a few hours with them just to talk, and then he could go see Jay and Maddie in their highschools, or Zack at his baseball games. But their parents would be there and he _can't_ and it's terrible because of course he loves them and what if he doesn't get to see them again, what if he really transitions and they don't even want to hear about him, what if they consider they only have three children –

Ashley hugs Tyler as he's sobbing louder. She takes the mug away from his hands and puts it on the floor, so they can be more comfortable.

–Hey, she says, rubbing his hair and his back. I'm here. It's gonna be ok. You can stay here as long as you want. We'll figure something out, ok ? Let's not think practical right now just– let go, ok. I'm here.

–They– They said I was just pretending to be like that to feel special. That it was just some way for me to bring up attention.

Ashley holds him tighter.

–That's bullshit, she says. Ok ? You _are_ like that, because it's _you_. Only real thing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

–I just– It's a terrible thing to say, but I think I would have preferred them hating me for that to just – not believing me, you know ? They would have kicked me out sooner and– but at least, I would have been something to them. Something they despise, a mistake, maybe, but not just their silly daughter having an identity crisis to pretend she's different because she has attention issues.

–I know. I understand.

Slowly, Tyler starts calming down, Ashley's arms still around him, his hands gripping the back of her mint green sweater. She's saying reassuring words to him, that it will be ok, that he's valid, he's himself, he's beautiful and he's got nothing to prove to anyone, no attention to bring, just a life to live.

When he finally stops crying and gets up, he notices the darker stains on Ashley's shirt as she's still got a hand on his shoulder.

–M'sorry, he says.

–Don't be silly, dumbass, she says. If I would have cried on your shoulder, you would have golden glitter and creepy black mascara and eyeliner stains on your shirt.

Tyler chuckles softly.

–Thank you, he says.

–That, I prefer.

She bends above the bed, taking the mug back. It's still hot, but not enough to burn now, so Tyler can drink safely.

–Have you eaten anything before leaving ? She asks.

–Em, no, Tyler says, and now that he thinks about it, he's starving.

–I have some pasta and meatballs I can heat up.

–You're a freaking godess.

Tyler follows her into the kitchen, when she puts one plate after the other into the microwave.

–What were you doing before I called ? Tyler asks.

–Started watching Mean Girls. Don't judge me.

–Can we do that now ? I think I may need that.

–'course, pal. I've only watched five minutes anyway, and I just know that Lindsey Lohan has lived in Africa and has to go to highschool.

–Wild.

Before starting the movie, they argue about who should sleep in the bed – Ash wants Tyler to go, because he's exhausted, but Tyler doesn't want to bother. But after eating, they both go under the covers to be more comfortable, and they end up talking during one hour or two after the movie's finished, and they both fall asleep in the bed.

 

★

 

But Tyler wakes up alone.

His mind is still foggy, as it always is when he's spent too much time crying, but right now it's probably just because he's had his first real night of sleep for a while. It's nearly twelve, and he usually hates being up too late, but he probably needed it ; a body can't handle not sleeping for too long.

When he gets up, maybe ten or fifteen minutes after, he sees a yellow sticky note on the door of the room.

_Good morning sunshine_

_forgot to tell you I had set an alarm to go to class (yeah we still have history at 8am, you did a good job stopping these studies are killing me) but you didn't seem to hear it, and you needed sleep so I didn't want to risk waking you up by sending you a text. I put some food on the table, take whatever you want. Also have some rest. I think you already have the wi-fi code on your phone but in case you wanna put it on your laptop, there's another sticky note I keep for people who come in the living room, next to the bookshelf. I'll be back around 5pm. If you want to go out, I have extra keys. They're on the table too._

_Have a nice dayyyyy,_

_Ash xx_

_ps : Josh is working today. I know you know it, but just. You know. Remember. It's not too far away from here. Go see him._

It's strange how everyone (and by everyone, he means Ash and Jenna, but let's be honest, he doesn't see that much people except them, Josh and sometimes Mark since he left college) seems to link him to Josh. Almost scary, because that means his fondness for him can be seen, and he doesn't want him to see. Well, of course he wants Josh to know that he's loved, but he can't show him in that way. That would ruin everything, and he doesn't need to fuck up another stable thing in his life. He doesn't even feel the _need_ ; the one everyone talks about, the one that pushes people to tell their significant other they love them. It isn't even hard for Tyler to keep that secret from Josh, because he's so content with what they already have he doesn't need more.

(Or Josh makes him so happy already he doesn't have the right to ask for more.)

Tyler smiles. Of course he's gonna see Josh. Even if he could hide how much he matters to him to his friends, he can never fool himself.

 

★

 

Tyler recognizes some Death Cab for Cutie song when he enters the shop. Josh told him once that he always does that when nobody's looking, playling some cds he likes when he works. Nobody ever said nothing, because it's a music shop, so of course there are a lot of different things playing.

–Hey you, Josh says when he sees him, smile bright and eyes smiling, too.

Tyler often wonders how Josh does it. Looking like this, all the time, looking like he's doing so great. Not that he knows so much about Josh's problems, but he knows everyone has some, and he knows he has anxiety. But he smiles, Josh. Keeps his head up. God knows what he's thinking about at night, when nobody's looking.

–Hi mate, Tyler says.

–You're wearing my shirt, Josh points out.

It's the flannel red one, the first piece of cloth Tyler borrowed to him. Now that he thinks about it, he's stolen a bunch of Josh's clothes.

–Well, you said that I could keep it, so I did.

–Still looks better on you.

Bullshit. Everything looks good on you.

–So, what's up ? Tyler says, bending a little bit over the counter.

–Not very much. Oh, actually, there is something : remember three days ago when I was checking for appartments ?

–You weren't checking, you were litteraly drowning yourself. I didn't know if I could ever get you out of this shit.

–Well, apparently I got out because I found a nice, cheap one not too far away from there.

–Oh man, that's sick !

–Yeah, I'm so excited, you can't imagine. Like, nothing's certain but I took an appointment with the guy, and I think I can afford it easily if I get to work here a few more hours per week, you know.

Tyler gives him a fond, sincere smile, genuinely happy for him.

–What about you ?

He doesn't want to tell him about yesterday. He can't ruin this ; he can't tell him he's lost his home while Josh has been finding a new one, because Josh is in a good mood now and good stuff are happening to him and he doesn't even know if he wanted to tell him before but now he sure doesn't want to.

–Tyler, are you ok ?

Except Josh's smarter than that.

–Yeah, Tyler says.

Except Josh can read him, since the beginning ; how could Tyler doubt that ?

–Hey, Josh says. You can talk to me. What's going on ?

He feels a little dumb, talking about it now. Still because he wasn't forced to leave the house, and if he had used his head, he would have stayed and he wouldn't–

–I slept at Ashley's this night. My parents and I kinda had an argument about the gender thing and– they said I had to stop « pretending » being a weirdo, or leave, and I left.

Josh looks confused, shocked almost, for a moment. And Tyler hates himself. Who is he to ruin this treasure of a guy's mood with his stupid problems ?

–Oh, Tyler, Josh says.

He walks around the counter to face Tyler for real, with nothing between them. Then he takes him in his arms.

And Tyler doesn't deserve this, he's sure. How could he ? He doesn't deserve Josh's strong arms around his shoulders, having his nose burried in his t-shirt, getting relaxed only by the smell of it. He doesn't deserve Josh, at all, because he's a mess and Josh's beautiful and things like that don't work.

(He doesn't deserve _that_ , how could he deserve more?)

–It's ok, Tyler says. Ash's letting me stay at her place and I– I guess I'm gonna find a job or something. It's not that bad, I mean, I'm not alone, I have her and Jenna and you–

–You're right, Josh says. You're not alone. We're all here and I'm here and I'll support you no matter what, ok ? When I get my flat, you can come there sometimes while we'll try to find you some place you can live in too.

–Yeah.

They slowly pull apart.

Tyler notices Josh's wearing a Blink-182 t-shirt.

 

★

 

Ashley's already home when he gets back to the flat.

Ashley, and the keyboard.

–Ash, don't tell me you've been carrying it in the stairs alone.

–Well, I'm stonger than I look.

–Ashley no.

–Ashley yes.

–You could have broken your back or something !

–Yeah, but I didn't. And you have to sing something to me. Still havn't heard you.

Tyler sighs.

–Ok, he says, smiling anyway. If you want.

He owes her so much, after all.


End file.
